Pigeon English Read Online Free PDF

know it, man!'
    TV news lady: 'Can you moderate your language please, we're filming here, thanks.'
    Bigger kid: 'Modify this, bitch!'
    He pretended to grab his bulla and pointed it at the lady. She didn't even see it, she was already turned around. He was only bluffing. He didn't even say it loud enough for her to hear.
    Another bigger kid: 'Rarse!'
    Where I used to live, some people have a special coffin in the shape of a real thing. It's something they loved the most when they were alive. If the lady was always sewing then her coffin would be a sewing machine. If the man loved beer it would be a beer bottle. I've seen them all. The coffin tells you what the person loved the most. One time the coffin was a taxi. The man who died was Joseph the taxi driver. I greeted the funeral. I was just coming back from taking the bottles to Samson's Kabin, one of the funeral ladies pulled me and made me dance with her. It was brutal fun. Everybody was happy. Everybody was allowed to join in. I even forgot that somebody died.
    Me: 'They should have made his coffin a football boot. That would be even better.'
    Mamma: 'Quiet, Harrison. Show respect.'
    Me: 'Sorry!'
    I'd have an aeroplane because I've never seen one like that before. Mine would be the first.

    The dead boy's blood is all gone now, the rain washed it off. There was nothing you could do to stop it. I wanted to see his body, especially the eyes. I wanted to see if they were like the chickens and what dreams they gave away but the coffin was already closed before I got there.

    I sneaked away from Mamma and Lydia, they didn't even know I was gone. Dean was waiting for me in the car park. We were spies. We watched the crowd for suspicious activity. That's when people act sneaky because they've got something to hide, Dean learned it from the real detective shows.
    Dean: 'Sometimes the killer comes back to watch the funeral, he wants to rub the cops' noses in it. It's like saying you can't catch me, dumb-arses. It's like giving them the finger. He don't wanna get caught though, he's not that dumb. Look out for geezers with their hoods up.'
    Me: 'Everyone's got their hood up, it's raining cats and dogs.'
    It was true: all you could see was a hell of hoods like boats on the sea. They were at the back, the people near the front who actually loved the dead boy were sharing umbrellas instead. I wonder if opening an umbrella in church would give you double bad luck. It probably would. You'd probably fall down dead on the spot. At least you'd be in the right place, they could have your funeral straight away before the flies could even get to you!
    Dean: 'Alright, and what colour hoodie was your geezer wearing? No, forget that, he'd have dumped it by now. Think, think.'
    Me: 'I know, we could greet everybody and whoever doesn't shake our hand must be hiding something. Who wouldn't shake your hand at a funeral? We'll just go to everybody and say congratulations and see who doesn't join in.'
    Dean: 'Commiserations, not congratulations.'
    Me: 'Whatever. We'll ju st say sorry. Follow me.'
    We squeezed into the back of the crowd where the hoods were all standing smoking fags and hiding from the TV camera for if it snapped them. We pretended like we were the official greeters, we went down the line shaking everybody's hand and saying sorry. Most of them just shook our hands and said sorry back, they knew it was serious and they had to show respect. It was proper quick and quiet.
    Me and Dean: 'Sorry.'
    Hoodie: 'Sorry.'
    Me and Dean: 'Sorry.'
    Next hoodie: 'Sorry.'
    Some of them were black and some of them were white. Some of them even dropped their fag before they shook hands like it was the only right thing to do in the circumstances. Only a few of them didn't join in.
    Me and Dean: 'Sorry.'
    Ten or eleven hoodie: 'You taking the piss?'
    Me: 'No. It's for commiserations.'
    Dean: 'You got a problem with that?'
    Ten or eleven hoodie: 'F—off, you cheeky little c—.'
    We were going to make