Paranoid Park Read Online Free PDF

in dangerous directions, which seemed to make perfect sense at the time.
    That’s how people kill themselves, I thought. They get twisted around in their brain.
    I had to calm down. I tried the radio again and tuned in KKNR, the indie-rock station. A commercial was playing: “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insur—.” I turned it off. I looked at my fists where they gripped the steering wheel. I thought I saw blood on my hands.
    That was too much. That was the last straw. I simply could not be doing this: driving like a maniac, losing my mind, swerving through traffic with blood on my hands.
    But I was. That was the thing. I was.

    I pulled into Jared’s driveway. There was no one home, as I had hoped for and counted on. I turned off the car lights and killed the engine, praying the neighbors wouldn’t wonder what the strange car was doing at the Fitches’ house. I got out and hurried to the front door. It was unlocked. I went in and locked it.
    The first thing to do was clean up. I clicked on the light and looked down at my shoes. There was blood on the toe of one of them. Or no, it was oil ... or something.... It didn’t matter. I yanked my shoes off. I took off my white socks, which had dark rings of dirt around the ankle. I stuffed the socks inside my shoes. I tiptoed barefoot into Jared’s kitchen and found a plastic garbage bag under the sink. I put my shoes and socks in the bag.
    Then, standing in the Fitches’ kitchen, I peeled off my T-shirt and put it carefully in the plastic bag.
    Then I noticed the window over the sink. It faced the street. The neighbors across the street could see me. I ducked down and slunk into the hall, where I couldn’t be seen, and finished undressing. I didn’t have a plan exactly, so I put all my clothes in the garbage bag.
    I went into the closest bathroom. This was probably not the best idea, since it was Jared’s mom’s bathroom. But it was too late, I was already in it, it was already dirty, and I would have to clean it anyway.
    I stood in the shower and turned on the water. When it hit me, black spots of grime splattered everywhere. I wiped down the shower curtain and the walls while I showered.
    Once everything was clean, I closed my eyes and let the hot water beat on my back and neck. I tried to relax, or at least stop shaking. But it was hopeless. I couldn’t stop. My lower lip trembled uncontrollably.
    Then I started to cry. It happened suddenly, and once it started I couldn’t stop. The tears and sobs came pouring out of me. I cried and sobbed and moaned until I couldn’t stand up anymore. I had to sit on the bottom of the tub while the hot water poured over the front of my head.
    After I’d cried for a long time, I started to talk. I don’t know who I was talking to. God maybe. I kept saying I was sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. I asked why this had happened. What had I done to deserve this? I wasn’t a violent person. I never got in fights. It wasn’t fair. It was so not fair....
    After a few minutes, I thought I heard something in the house. I stood up. I shut off the water. I listened. But no, it was nothing. A heater had turned on. No one was there. It was just the unfamiliar house.
    I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my waist. With a sponge from under the sink, I inspected every inch of the tub for black grime or blood or any clues of my being there. Then I picked up the garbage bag of my clothes and went downstairs.
    In Jared’s room I felt better. I felt the daring spirit of Jared around me. Crazy, insane Jared who did illegal stuff all the time. He was famous for it. For the first time, I had the thought: Maybe I can get away with this.
    I quickly reminded myself that I would not be getting away with anything, since I hadn’t really done anything. At least nothing that anyone in the same situation wouldn’t have done. It was an accident, I reminded myself. It really was. It was nobody’s fault. It was something that just