Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes Read Online Free PDF

didn’t even have time to stop to get you both a present.”
    “Don’t worry,” said Moshe, “the main thing is, we’re together, aren’t we?”
    Henry then came over. “Hi, dad, you’re looking great. And wow, mom, don’t you look good also? You’re looking just like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I’d been working on for the last six months. So I came here straight from JFK and I’m sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?”
    “It’s nothing,” said Moshe, “the main thing is we’re all together.”
    Then Alan came in and said, “Hi mom and dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I’ll have to leave as soon as we’ve finished dinner. I’ve been so busy packing that I didn’t have time to buy you anything.”
    Moshe sighed and replied, “I don’t care as long as I have my three sons together.”
    Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a reflective mood, said, “Now might be a good time to tell you all something that has been on your mother’s and my mind for years. Your mother and I, well, we came to America during the war. We had no money and were desperate and in our struggle to survive, I’m sorry to tell you that we never got around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few years, it didn’t seem so important, so—”
    The three sons gasped, “Dad, do you mean ... do you mean—we’re bastards?”
    “Yes,” replied Moshe, “that’s exactly what I do mean and cheap ones, too.”

Mishpocheh
(Family Relationships)
Dating
    Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met. When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name.
    When Sam tells him that the girl’s name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go and find a Jewish girl.
    Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith, so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
    More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl’s name is Goldberg.
    “Goldberg,” exclaims his father, “this makes me very happy because it’s a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family.”
    Then his father asks, “Is her first name one of my favorite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?”
    “No, Father,” replies Sam, “it’s Whoopi.”

    Did you hear about the guy who called his girlfriend “Mezuzah” because she liked to be kissed?

    Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said “yes.”
    The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo couldn’t remember what her answer was. “Was she happy? I think so. Wait, no, she looked at me funny . . .” After about an hour of trying to remember, but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to his proposal.
    “Oh,” Hetty said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

    Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend asks him, “What’s the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"
    “No, I just can’t,” Benny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking.”
    “Listen,” his friend suggests, “why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your mother?”
    Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.
    “So, have you found the perfect girl yet? One that’s just like your mother?”
    Benny shrugs his shoulders, “Yes, I found one just like mom. Mom loved her