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United Nations. Now what more
    could I possibly have said to make the whole thing
    any more inane? Maybe I was supposed to have told
    them "as recognized in principles expounded by the
    American Automobile, Association." Maybe I
    should have given the whole speech in Pig Latin,
    and made funny faces while I was at it! Maybe I
    should have come out to make the statement in a
    clown's costume! But I did not do that-because I
    refuse to talk down to the American public. I refuse
    to pull my punches. I refuse to believe that the
    people of this great nation are incapable of
    recognizing the most outrageous kind of hypocrisy
    or sniffing out the most blatant contradictions
    imaginable . . . And yet this, this is my reward, for
    my faith in America. The Boy Scouts of America
    screaming to the TV cameras that Trick E. Dixon
    favors sexual intercourse. Favors fornicationbetween
    people!
    POLITICAL COACH: Of course, as of now, it's still only
    the Boy Scouts, Mr. President.
    TRICKY: Today the Boy Scouts (here he sinks down
    onto the bench before the blackboard,
    30 OUR GANG
    barely restraining a sob)-tomorrow the world! ...
    And what about my wife-what is she going to think?
    What if she starts to believe it? What about my
    children? WHAT ABOUT THE VOTERS!
    SPIRITUAL' COACH: Here, here, Mr. President. I
    sympathize with your chagrin, particularly as it
    relates to your fine family. But, frankly, I do not
    believe that the American people who see you on
    TV, any more than those who know you at
    firsthand, are going to be taken in by such a blatant
    fabrication. If ever a man, in his every word and
    deed, his every movement and gesture, his glance,
    his sneer, his very smile, put the lie to such a
    slanderous accusation as this one, it is you.
    TRICKY (visibly moved) : Reverend, I thank you for
    that tribute. Surely I have tried to give no indication
    whatsoever to the people of this country that I even
    know what sexual intercourse is. Futhermore, I have
    instructed my family that they must under no
    circumstances allow it to appear that any of us have
    ever in our lives been. infected by desire or lust, or,
    for that matter, an appetite for anything at all,
    outside of political power. This may sound
    immodest of me, but I happen to pride myself on
    the fact that if it weren't for my perspiring so on
    television, the American people would probably
    have no way in the world of telling that under my
    clothes I
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 31
    am flesh. And, of course you all know, as a result
    of a decision I reached here during a lonely vigil in
    the locker room only a few nights ago, this disorder
    will very shortly be corrected when I enter Walter
    Reed Hospital to undergo a secret operation for the
    surgical removal of the sweat glands from my
    upper lip. You see, gentlemen, that is how
    dedicated I am to dissociating myself from
    anything remotely resembling a human body.
    But now to accuse me of this! As though to be
    for the rights of the unborn was prima facie
    evidence-that is, evidence sufficient to establish a
    fact, or to raise a presumption of fact ... that's what
    we lawyers mean by that phrase ... as you know,
    before entering the White House I was a lawyer, and
    so I know phrases like that ... as though that were
    prima facie evidence that I was also in favor of the
    process by which the unborn come into existence in
    the first place. To accuse me, because of a perfectly
    innocuous statement like that, of encouraging
    people to have intercourse in order that they should
    have unborn, in order that those unborn should
    have these rights -that don't even exist! And that I
    wouldn't care about, even if they did! How could I?
    Here I am, President of the United States and
    Leader of the Free World, working and slaving with
    every fiber of my being, night and day, three
    hundred and sixty-five days a year, for the sole
    purpose of
    32 OUR GANG
    getting myself reelected-where would I find the
    time to worry about the rights of