want?â The room is getting clearer now and Iâm kind of pissed at how much Joe is interfering with my buzz. I have an uncontrollable urge to uppercut him, but my hands donât want to make fists quite yet.
âYouâre a brat. You donât know the first thing about this program. Plus you showed up here high. Iâm not signing your card.â
I snatch it from him and move to leave. I donât need this crap. Iâll have to go to the six thirty a.m. meeting tomorrow to make up for it, but whatever. Iâm done listening to Joe.
âNatalie,â he calls as I stomp out.
âWhat?â I glare and almost expect him to laugh in my face, but instead his gaze softens.
âYou think I havenât been there? You think I havenât done everything I could to make it all go away? Tylenol with codeine? Thatâs nothing. Try nail polish remover. Thereâs alcohol in that, you know. Cough syrup. Mouth wash. Windex, for Christâs sake. You think youâre badass. Youâre what, seventeen? You have no idea how low you can sink from this disease. Youâre lucky you caught it so early.â
Iâm stunned silent. I canât imagine. Windex? Surely that could kill you.
âIâm not your problem,â I whisper.
He nods. âYeah. Still.â He approaches me slowly, tugging his wallet from his back pocket. He slips out a card. âThatâs me. Cell phoneâs on the back. Call if you need help. Thereâs a womanâs group at St. Paulâs Church on Friday nights. You can probably find a sponsor there. Until then, call me if you start thinking Tylenolâs a good idea again.â
Chapter
Six
I get home and go right to bed. Sleep through dinner. Wake up so dehydrated my skin feels like itâs going to crack off. Itâs five oâclock in the frickinâ morning and even though I feel like complete crap, all I can think about is how a quick swig of vodka would do me a world of good right now.
I drag myself out of bed, and because no oneâs up yet, I drop down and do a hundred sit-ups and push-ups. Iâm completely winded by the time Iâm done, but at least I did them. So some of the me from long ago is still in there somewhere. I consider heading downstairs to our workout room, having a go at the punching bag, but I canât. The idea of it is too defeating, and opening the door to that means stirring up a whole mess of other crap I donât want to deal with. Instead I stand under the shower way too long, moving my hands over my ribs, my hips, my stomach. I keep my mind intentionally blank, refusing to think of all the things my bodyâs been through.
Then I straighten my hair, which takes forever, and pick out clothes that hide my newly increasing ass. Maybe chemo patient skinny wasnât so bad. I stare at the homework I didnât do last night and decide Iâm still not in any kind of shape to pull that off. Iâll have to go to the nurse during American history. Instead I boot up my computer and block Brent from all social media. Iâve got to move forward if Iâm going to make it through these next six months, not get waylaid by a bunch of âwe should talkâ pleas from that handsy fucker.
By the time I head down for breakfast, Iâm at least at 50 percent, which all things considered is a goddamn miracle. Mom is at the stove, making chocolate chip pancakes. Our kitchen is massive, with stainless steel appliances and marble countertops. It opens into both the living room and the dining room, the perfect hub for a house built to host banker dickheads and their insipid wives.
We used to have parties for Dadâs work clients all the time. I had my first drink when I was eleven at one of their parties. Usually the holiday season means different âcoupleâ friends at our house every Saturday, Dad telling boring work stories and Mom flitting about making sure everyoneâs
Max Wallace, Howard Bingham