Notes from the Blender Read Online Free PDF Page A

kind of hysterically, which clued me in that her laughter could turn into tears at any moment. “Only…oh shit…only every fucking time I left the house since the eighth grade! Hee-hee!”
    She had a foul mouth. I didn’t think I could be more smitten. Also, her laugh was infectious, and if you put aside the horrifying picture of our parents going at it and the knowledge that Dad hated me, the whole situation was pretty funny.
    We sat there just laughing together for a minute. I guess we were laughing pretty loud, because the door at the back of the sanctuary opened and Aunt Sarah poked her head in.
    “Dec?” she said. “Why aren’t you in school?”
    “I…I’m just so shocked by adults today and their promiscuous ways.…” My sentence dissolved into laughs, and Neilly, who’d been trying to pull a straight face when Aunt Sarah walked in, snorted really loud, which made us both laugh some more.
    Aunt Sarah walked toward us, and I caught my breath enough to say, “Aunt Sarah…have you met my sister?” More snorts, more laughter, and Aunt Sarah rolled her eyes.
    “I see you’ve gotten the news,” she said, sitting in the pew in front of me.
    “Oh, man, the wrong member of our family came to those OWL classes. I think Dad needed the condom-and-banana lesson.”
    Aunt Sarah fought back a smile and, with some effort, put on a serious grown-up face. “Okay, okay. So you needed a mental health day. And who’s your friend?”
    “I told you, she’s my sister!”
    Neilly extended her hand and said, “Neilly Foster. And I guess we are going to be siblings. Or stepsiblings. Or something. Uh, I guess I should probably go. I, uh…I mean, thanks for the…It’s nice to—hey!” she said, turning to me. “I don’t even know your name!”
    I extended my hand. “Declan.”
    Neilly Foster reached out and wrapped her little hand gingerly around mine and gave it a squeeze. “Pleased to meet you, Declan.”
    It was all I could do to stay conscious. “You, too,” I said, and watched her perfect ass as she all but ran from the church.

CHAPTER FOUR
Neilly
    MY MOM .
    Getting married.
    With a baby on board.
    Courtesy of too many glasses of wine and the unencumbered-by-a-condom sperm of the ear-nibbling towel wearer.
    Was it any wonder I was running away from the news in horror? No one wants to think her mom is getting it on while she’s at school and/or hanging with friends, no less getting it on and getting knocked up during those hours. It was just so . . . so . . . well, disgusting is a word that comes to mind. Not to mention completely nasty.
    When I was little, I used to beg my mom and dad for a sibling all the time. I think I fantasized about someone to push around in a stroller and feed bottles to, and if I’m being perfectly honest, to rule for life. But that was a million years ago.
    And now—well beyond the expiration date of my desire for one—I was going to have a brand-spanking-new half brother or half sister. Not to mention a metalhead stepbrother and a severely underdressed, overly horny creeper of a stepfather.
    It was just another addition to the unfathomable equation that had been my day. As a review:
    4 stomach-acid-inducing words
    × 3
    − Sam
    − his new girlfriend/my ex–best friend
    + balding half-naked guy/Declan’s father/Mom’s fiancé/ babydaddy
    + in-utero half sibling
    + Dracula/Declan
    = I’m completely screwed
    And it wasn’t like there was a simple solution to my problems. No Oh, things will look different in the morning, chalk it up to a bad day and move on . None of this was going away anytime soon.
    At least Declan had been nice, making me laugh and getting me back to normal-ish. And his Aunt Sarah had been nice, too. If I hadn’t felt so hysterical—giggles kept bubbling up out of my misery and turning it into a new breed of absurdist performance art—I might’ve even hung out a little longer in that church, making fun of our parents and their crazy situation. But I