Not To Us Read Online Free PDF Page A

room. I wonder if Robert will, too. Well, based on the last seven days, I am sure that he will, in fact, notice.
    Thinking about this dissolves my determination to leave in the first place, so I try not to dwell on that. When did my life get so complicated?
    I have been to see Dr. Josh Liston and the lumpectomy of my left breast is scheduled for tomorrow. Michael was able to get my case put to the front of the line and Dr. Liston was happy to help out his friend. I know Dr. Liston was confused about my relationship with Michael.
    I know that he does wonder where my husband, Robert, is in all of this. I have kept Robert out of the plans regarding my cancer. I’m not sure why. Except that in my way of thinking, somehow, my cancer is responsible for bringing him back to me and that in itself is wreaking havoc on all other aspects of my life. I have put Robert off from asking too many questions about my cancer treatment by telling him that my appointment with Dr. Liston was not for another two weeks. I’ve told Robert there is little to be concerned about and that we would find out more then. Of course, by then, I would have had the surgery. Since it seemed like a fairly straightforward procedure, I didn’t tell Robert about it.
    ≈≈

    I have so many secrets and have told so many lies; it’s difficult to keep them all straight. I’ve barely told Michael. I haven’t seen him since…since that first day.
    Today, after I drive off the ferry, I almost turn the car back towards Bainbridge Island at least six times. What am I doing going to Michael’s apartment? What am I thinking getting involved with him at this crucial time of my life? But somehow, Michael seems to be the only one in my life who makes sense, who truly cares about me and loves me, despite cancer. Not because of it, which seems to be Bobby’s reasoning. So, what happens to Bobby and me, when I don’t have it anymore, huh? I do wonder.
    My cell phone rings. Carrie’s name flashes on the screen.
    “Ellie,” she says in a shaken voice when I answer. “I just heard.”
    “From who?” I ask in sudden irritation.
    Robert and I agreed to keep this on the down low for the kids’ sake. I know Michael would know better than to say anything to her.
    “Well, the office manager, Liz Banner, is from Bainbridge. She called me, wondering why you’re seeing Dr. Liston. Why are you doing that? Michael is the best for this kind of thing.”
    “This kind of thing. You mean cancer ?”
    I really hate it when people talk all around cancer without invoking the word and my tone is impatient and full of derision.
    “I’m aware of Michael’s extraordinary…surgical skills,” I say.
    I blush and glimpse my face in the car’s rearview mirror in just thinking of Michael’s hands all over my body from that one and only day we were together, more than a week ago. My uncertainty resolves at taking the next exit. Now, I’m determined to get to his apartment as fast as I can.
    “Carrie, I’m going to be okay,” I say with reassurance. I feel reassured by what I say and I can hear my former best friend crying through the phone taking solace in what I say. The fact is I sense her life falling apart across the phone lines and I feel sorry for her.
    “Ells, I love you. You know that.”
    I do know this, which makes it harder still to fathom why this girl that I have known and loved for almost twenty years would royally fuck me over. My anger is instantaneous and I strike out at her now without thinking it through.
    “I guess you love Robert more though, right; Carrie? You’ve been fucking around with him for more than a year, so I guess you made your choice. Live with that, friend, and don’t call me anymore.”
    “Michael left me,” she says in a broken voice.
    “Yeah, I know that, too.”
    I hang up the phone and I don’t answer when her name flashes across the cell screen, thirty seconds later. Right now, I have both Robert and Michael in my life, apparently,