No Such Thing as Perfect Read Online Free PDF Page B

on what good girls do and don’t do. My brother and the way I used to hear him and Derek talk about girls when they didn’t know I could hear them. I didn’t want to be like those girls, but I didn’t want him to stop, either. I wanted the answer to be like school. I didn’t want to guess what was right or okay.
    “What about Jodie?” I asked. “Aren’t you seeing Jodie?”
    “How do you feel, Lily? What do you want? You’ve always wanted this, haven’t you?”
    “Yes, but if you knew... why now?”
    He kissed me again and this time I didn’t stop him when he lifted my shirt higher. “I don’t know, but when I saw you at dinner, I realized what an idiot I’d been. You’ve been right there in front of me for how long? And I just missed it. I want to make up for all that lost time. Don’t you?”
    I did and he said the right things and he whispered that he loved me and that he would protect me and that it was okay to feel like this and to want this and I gave Derek everything because I thought it was what I always wanted and he promised that I was different from all the other girls.

9.
    T he glow-in-the-dark stars look pathetic in the darkness. There are only about twelve and they don’t look like the night sky; instead they look like they got lost in the black and can’t find their way back to light.
    Derek’s snoring, having fallen asleep quickly, but I can’t stop thinking. My mind is doing that thing it does when I overanalyze and make problems where there aren’t any and I want to turn it off. I want to be happy with my boyfriend’s arm draped over my body. I want the closeness to feel like it should.
    Maybe I read too many books. I guess I always thought being in love would feel comfortable. It’s not that Derek doesn’t try, but sometimes I’m so afraid. If he pauses too long when I ask him if something looks okay or if his upper lip twitches like it does sometimes when I do something wrong, I can’t escape the doubt. Worry is like an endless ocean and my arms are just too tired to keep swimming.
    I slip out from under his arm and head to the bathroom. I don’t really have to go, but lying in the dark room isn’t putting my mind at ease and so I pace the hall. The lights flicker, poor illumination because they’re an afterthought; dorm halls aren’t somewhere people spend their time. I consider going to find Kristen, or texting Abby even though I know she’s in some foreign city and it will cost too much and she’s probably doing amazing things. I even consider calling my parents to admit something is broken in me. But I can already hear the arguments. I’m fine. Everything is fine.
    “Scottie dogs? What a fashion statement.”
    Jack’s coming out of the elevator, carrying a guitar case. I almost start to cry knowing someone is seeing me like this.
    “Sorry. I was just...” I look around. I wasn’t just anything. I’m standing in the dim hallway by the elevator in the middle of the night wearing my pajamas.
    “Yeah, I was just..., too,” he says. “Want some coffee? I hear the lounge is lovely at this hour. There’s all the Styrofoam a lady could desire.”
    “I-” I’m about to tell him I have a boyfriend, that I can’t just drink coffee with him, but that’s dumb. What’s wrong with coffee? Derek’s asleep, I’m restless, and it’s just coffee. It certainly beats standing around by the elevator trying not to cry. “Sure. Coffee sounds good.”
    “Awesome. Let me just drop this off and grab some, okay?” He gestures to his guitar case and I follow him. He’s just down the hall – in the guys’ wing – and I make mental note of his room number. I don’t know why I do, but it’s etched on my brain before I realize what I’m doing. 401. Jack in 401.
    “Did your roommate go home for the weekend?” I ask. He opens the door, tosses his case into a dark room, rummages loudly and knocks something over, and closes it again, coffee in hand.
    “I don’t have a