No Such Thing as Perfect Read Online Free PDF

would just look up and I would notice that the act faded for a moment. In those glimpses, short as they were, I saw the Derek I imagined and the one I loved. But that still didn’t mean I had any intention of telling him.
    I’d just turned 18 and Jon had brought Derek home for the weekend for my birthday party. Because it was me, my party was me, Abby, my parents, and the guys out at Olive Garden, but I had a hard time focusing because Derek was there and he kept looking at me. I would look up from my fettuccine Alfredo to find his rich brown eyes trained on me. At one point, I nearly choked on the forkful of pasta I’d been eating because he smiled and it was the kind of smile I remembered. He saw me and it might have been the first time in four years.
    Later that night, after we’d had cake and everyone had gone to bed, I sat in my room rereading the card Derek had given me. It didn’t say much and it was the kind of card you give your nephew when he turns three - it had a monkey on it and said “I’m going bananas wanting to wish you a happy birthday” – but he’d written, “I still remember that afternoon when we went camping.” I didn’t know what to make of it and I wanted to call Abby and ask her, but she’d had to go home early because she was going to her cousin’s wedding and I was sitting up alone after midnight trying to make it make sense.
    When he knocked, I didn’t even think before inviting him in. I wasn’t thinking about him being in my room or my parents finding us. I just wanted to understand what he was trying to tell me. During dinner, he had been telling my mom about Jodie, a girl he was dating at school, and I wondered if he even knew how much every word hurt me.
    “Hey,” he said, shutting the door behind him.
    “Hi.” I held up his card. “Thanks for your card. I was just... reading it. I mean, I remember that day, too. I just didn’t think-”
    I had always imagined my first kiss. In all my fantasies of it, it was with Derek, but I thought it would be romantic and I thought I’d be ready. When he came towards me, though, I froze. I didn’t move as he lifted me out of my chair and kissed me, his tongue moving inside of my mouth, and it was nothing like I’d expected. He was demanding and I wasn’t sure it was what I’d wanted or hoped for, but he smelled like he always did – a mix of soap and boy – and I wanted to stay close to him and I wanted whatever made him look at me over dinner to continue.
    “What are you doing?” I asked when he stopped kissing me and smiled again.
    “When did you get so damn sexy?” he asked me, his hands lifting my t-shirt and gripping my waist.
    “Derek, I’ve never... I mean, I haven’t even kissed anyone before. Well, I mean, I hadn’t...”
    I didn’t have the words. My parents were sleeping in the next room and I knew what happened when girls let boys into their rooms and I could hear my mother warning me about screwing up my plans and I knew she’d tell me I was acting like a slut and I should have more self-respect, but I had spent four years dreaming about Derek and I didn’t know how to say no.
    “Shhh. I’ll be gentle, Lily. Come here,” he said and he led me to my bed.
    It had been tough to watch him for years, knowing that he had girlfriends and thinking about what he did with them. I used to be jealous every time he would be at my house, talking about a date he went on. I heard the things he said, and I heard the stories at school. I knew they were probably true, but despite it, I couldn’t help that I wanted him to do it with me, too. But when he was there and it was something that was actually happening, I didn’t know what I wanted.
    “No, wait,” I told him.
    He sat up, but he didn’t let go of me and I was distracted by his hands. All of the thoughts and voices of everyone I knew were screaming inside my head. Abby telling me to go for it, that this was all I’d wanted for years. My mother lecturing me