Never Knowing Read Online Free PDF Page B

the coverage disappeared.
    That morning I also got the e-mail from Tom with Julia’s photos at the university, walking to her car, outside her home with Katharine. I compared hers to online photos of Karen Christianson. It was definitely the same woman. In one shot Julia was touching a student’s arm, smiling encouragingly. I wondered if she touched me after she gave birth, or just told them to take me away.
    *   *   *

    This week I went through the motions, but I felt flat, disconnected—angry. I didn’t know what to do with this new reality, the horror of my conception. I wanted to bury it in the backyard, far away from anyone’s eyes. My skin crawled with knowledge, with the evil that I’d looked into, that had created me. I took long showers. Nothing helped. The dirt was on the inside.
    When I was a kid I used to think my birth parents would come back if I was just good enough. If I got in trouble, I worried they’d find out. Every good grade in school was so they’d know I was smart. When Dad looked at me like he was trying to figure out who let me into his house, I told myself they were coming. When I watched him play piggyback with Melanie and Lauren after telling me he was too tired, I told myself they were coming. When he took the girls to the pool and left me to mow the lawn, I told myself they were coming. They never did.
    Now I just wanted to forget they existed. But no matter what I did or the million ways I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t get rid of the dark, heavy feeling pressing down on my chest, grabbing at my legs. Evan had been out of cell range for most of the week with a group. When he was finally able to phone I tried to listen about the lodge, tried to make the appropriate responses, tried to share about Ally’s day, then I ended the call after a while, claiming fatigue. I was going to tell him, I just needed more time. But the next morning he picked up on it right away.
    “Okay, what’s going on? Don’t want to marry me anymore?” He laughed, but his voice was worried.
    “You might not want to marry me after you hear this.” I took a deep breath. “I found out why Julia lied.” I looked at the door, knowing Ally would be up soon.
    “Julia? I don’t know who—”
    “My birth mother, remember? I heard from the PI last week. He told me her real name’s Karen Christianson.”
    “Why didn’t you tell me you found her?” He sounded confused.
    “Because I also found out my real father is the Campsite Killer.”
    Silence.
    Evan finally said, “Come on. You don’t actually mean—”
    “I mean my real father’s a murderer, Evan. I mean he raped my mother. I mean—” I couldn’t say what else has been driving my nightmares: My father’s still out there.
    “Sara, slow down. I’m trying to take this all in.” When I didn’t say anything, he said, “Sara?”
    I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “I don’t … I don’t know what to do.”
    “Just start at the top and tell me what’s going on.” I leaned against my pillow, clinging to the strength in Evan’s voice. Once I was done explaining everything, he said, “So you don’t know for sure Julia is this Karen person?”
    “I looked at her photos online myself. It’s her.”
    “But there’s no proof the Campsite Killer is your father. It’s all just speculation. She could’ve hooked up with a guy after.”
    “Rape victims don’t usually just ‘hook up’ with someone right away. And there was a woman at her house—I think she might be gay.”
    “She might be now, but you don’t know what she was into back then. For all you know she was pregnant at the time of the attack. This private investigator could be scamming you.”
    “He used to be a cop.”
    “So he says. I bet he calls and tells you he can find out more for a price.”
    “He wasn’t like that.” But was Evan right? Had I jumped to conclusions? Then I remembered the look on Julia’s face. “No, she was seriously freaked