Never Can Tell Read Online Free PDF

is me. But if I tell Ty this, it'll freak him out. I keep it to myself, and use my grip on his hair to pull his lips to mine. When we kiss, I make him a promise with my mouth that this has nothing to do with him, that I love him more than breath, more than life, more than existence. I tell him without words that I'd rather blink out and become nothing than lose him.
    But things will still be hard, and they'll still suck, and we'll still fight. We just have to get through the downs and live for the ups. I'm ready for the run; it'll be the little details that fuck me.

6
    After Ty and I are finished, we lay in silence and smoke, watching curls of gray tease the tin ceiling and creep along the edges where the walls meet up with it. This time, I'm the one that gets out of bed and checks on Noah. I do it because I think Ty's starting to worry that I don't like our son, and that's not it at all. It's just … weird. I don't think I was ready to be a mother, but I am one, and I have to get used to it.
    I stand there with one hand on the edge of the crib, the other holding an unlit cigarette and feeling guilty for it. I've never felt guilty about smoking before, not really. But Noah makes me feel bad about it. It's not like I ever actually smoke around him, but I can't help but wonder if each cig I smoke is a day I lose with my son.
    I touch my fingers to his cheeks and watch his chest rise and fall, dressed up in a fuzzy blue jumper. Tears bite at my eyes again, and I feel sick with myself.
    “Never,” Ty says, gliding into the room on silent feet. He wraps his arms around my waist, teasing my nostrils with the smell of tobacco. “Please don't be sad.”
    “I'm not,” I tell him. “Well, not all the time. I'm just … I feel really emotional right now. It's probably just hormones. I'm about to start my period.” I pull my hand away from Noah and turn to see the skeptical look on Ty's face. I'm failing again, and it sucks. I don't want him to feel the way he's feeling. I'm such a fucking cunt, stealing away the joy in Ty's eyes when he's with his kid. Any displeasure I show around Noah will make Ty resent him, and I could never, ever do that. But I know I'm first in his eyes, always. And it isn't cruel; it's just right. Parents should love each other more than they love their kids, should be there to create a solid foundation for them to stand out, so that when they go out in the world they know there are two people who will do anything for them. I want Noah to know what a good relationship is like, and I want him to find one. Ty is my prize. He is my win. He's the one thing I wanted to get out of this life.
    “I'm going to take a piss,” I tell him and he laughs, voice echoing around the quiet house. Outside, the rain's started up again. We waves his hand at me, jingling his bangles around in a mimicry of the wind chimes that are screaming in the wind in our backyard.
    “That's hot, Nev, thanks for sharing that with me.” I don't mention that he already has another erection.
    In the bathroom, I sit down on the toilet and notice absently that the bag of items from the store is sitting on the counter. The pregnancy tests and the tampons are sticking out of the plastic, teasing me like a cruel joke. I don't know that quite yet. All I fucking know is that I'm going to try to be more responsible, be a fucking adult. So I grab the flowery box and pull out a test, sticking it underneath me for the hell of it. Just to see it turn negative, to know that we're okay.
    I set the plastic stick on the counter and grab my toothbrush, spreading a line of minty gel on the top and thanking the universe that I don't have to use a miswak anymore. Fuck you, Angelica, I think as I brush my teeth and stand up, flushing the toilet and spitting into the sink. I pick up the pregnancy test and glance absently at it.
    My eyes go wide; my heart stops.
    Right. Fuck. I don't really know why I'm surprised. I guess I sort of assumed that getting pregnant