My Nest Isn't Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman Read Online Free PDF Page A

sucking it out with the vacuum cleaner, but I don’t have the kind with the hose, only the kind you roll on the floor. I thought about pouring water into my ear but then I’d end up with a soggy moth. I tried to pull it out but it was already too far in, and I was worried I’d push it in even farther, maybe to my cerebellum or eyes.
    I didn’t do well in Biology 101.
    Then it seemed like the moth was going farther inside my noggin. Hitting myself in the temple wasn’t doing anything but giving me a headache. I tried to stay calm but every time the moth pounded its wings, it sounded like a helicopter.
    Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration.
    But still, it was scary, like that horror movie where the fly crawls up the girl’s nose. I tried to decide whether I’d rather have a fly up my nose or a moth in my ear, but I was too panicky to think. I ran back inside the house and danced around, yelping and trying to knock the moth out.
    The dogs watched with varying reactions. The goldens sat calmly, waiting to go upstairs to bed, but Little Tony and Ruby The Corgi started barking and running around, a canine version of me. Also I was dog-sitting Pip, Daughter Francesca’s spaniel, and though he remained quiet, his bored expression told me he wished he’d stayed at a hotel.
    So I drove at breakneck speed to the emergency room, and thank God there was almost no one on the road because the moth went into winged overdrive, and I yelped and squirmed the entire way. I explained everything to the nice reception ladies at the hospital, who told me that this happened all the time and were kind enough to understand my need to keep moving. It was the people in the waiting room who raised an eyebrow, thinking I was having seizures. And I didn’t take offense when one of the nurses asked if I had taken any street drugs.
    By the way, for those of you who recall my last trip to the emergency room, after my dog bit the hand that feeds her, I had yet another superhot male nurse. And yes, I was braless while middle-aged.
    Which would be the bad news.
    The good news is that while they took my blood pressure, the moth flew out of my ear. One nurse gasped, the other one laughed.
    At least the moth didn’t fly out my other ear.
    And you know what? I killed the moth.
    I felt instantly guilty, but he deserved it.
    Then I went home, once again, happily empty-headed.
    The next day the receptionist called to tell me I had left my driver’s license and insurance card at the hospital, and she asked me whether I’d write a story about the moth.
    Ya think?

Five Dog Night
    We know that I live alone with five dogs, which sounds pathetic, but is actually fun.
    We also know that I sleep with at least four of these dogs. The two Cavaliers, Little Tony and Peach His Child Bride, then Penny and Ruby The Corgi with Restless Leg Syndrome.
    Angie, the older golden, sleeps in my bedroom on her denim dog bed that says GOOD GIRLS.
    All the bad girls are in my bed.
    Now this is going to sound weird, but I actually look forward to going to bed, partly because of these canine characters.
    Here’s a typical night: I usually work until bedtime in the family room, while the dogs doze, chew Nylabones, or watch TV. It’s not always as peaceful as it sounds. Ruby barks every time a doorbell rings in a commercial, and she hates the one where the people drive around squeezing a squeaky toy. Somebody needs to tell these advertisers not to make commercials that make dogs bark. I mute the commercial every time it comes on, and if I ever see whatever product they’re selling, I’ll burn it.
    Anyway, my favorite part of the day is when I turn off the laptop and TV, switch off the table lamps, and walk the dogs one last time. It takes a while for five dogs to go to the bathroom, and I use that time to look up at the sky and the stars. I’m not good at constellations, but I recognize the three little stars in a row as part of Orion. I know a belt when I see one. I’m good at