My Life in Black and White Read Online Free PDF

year ago and hadn’t been able to find another one—all thoughts of Taylor vanished. I couldn’t imagine getting pulled out of school midyear, or leaving my friends behind, or moving into my grandparents’ house, but that’s what was happening to Ryan.
    “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” he said at one point, frowning down at the half-eaten muffin in his hand.
    “It’s okay,” I said.
    “I don’t even know you, and I’m unloading all my family crap on you.”
    “I don’t mind.”
    And I meant it. The more Ryan told me about himself, the more I wanted to know. And the whole time he was talking, all I could think about was reaching out and giving him a hug. It wasn’t just the sympathy factor. It was those eyes. That crooked smile. I couldn’t explain it; I just had to hug him. And I could tell, just from how Ryan was looking at me, that he was feeling the same way.
    “You’re not going to say anything, are you?” he asked.
    I shook my head. “Of course not.”
    “Especially not to your friend … the one with the attitude.”
    I hesitated. An image of Taylor flashed through my mind—that day in the cocoa hut, the expression of anger and hurt in her eyes—but I willed it away. “I won’t say a word,” I told Ryan. “To anyone.”
    “Good.” He let out a deep breath. “I don’t need your friends thinking my family’s some kind of charity case … especially if I’m going to ask you out.”
    I plucked a fresh cup of punch off the table, took a casual swig. “Are you?”
    “I don’t know. Should I?”
    I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
    For someone who couldn’t flirt, I must have been doing pretty well, because a minute later Ryan Dano asked me to the movies.
    And I said yes.
    In hindsight, that yes was the stupidest answer of my life. If I had said no, I wouldn’t have had to hide our first date from Taylor. If there had been no first date, Ryan would not have become my boyfriend. If Ryan had not become my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have given a monkey’s nut what he and Taylor were doing together at the party, and I never would have gotten into Jarrod’s car.
    If I had said no when Ryan Dano asked me out, one thing is for sure: I would still have a life.

 

Talk to Me
     
    SOMEONE AT THE hospital tracked down my parents, who were on the Ohio leg of Ruthie’s college tour when they got the call. They took the first flight back to Connecticut and arrived just as I was coming out of surgery. I woke to my mother’s smell, vanilla and rosehips. Her face, floating over my bed, was smudgy with mascara.
    “Oh, my baby,” she said, reaching out to touch the side of my face that wasn’t covered in gauze. “My beautiful baby.”
    Normally, I hated her calling me that, but right then the anesthesia was wearing off and the pain was so bad I thought my head would explode. Literally. Try getting your face bashed in with a crowbar then stabbed with ice picks. Now, add a vat of acid. That’s what it felt like. When my mother’s fingers touched my skin, I started to cry. I cried and cried, but there was no sound. Then a nurse stuck a needle in my arm and everything drifted away.
    When I woke up again, my dad was standing at the foot of the bed, looking rumpled. I’d never seen him look rumpled in my life. “Hey, Beany,” he said, reaching out to squeeze my big toe. “How’re you feeling?”
    I opened my mouth to say my head hurt, but nothing came out. My tongue was a cotton ball.
    “Talk to me, Beans. How did this happen? Step me through it.”
    “She can’t talk yet, Mr. Mayer,” a voice said—gruff, but kind. “You’ll have to wait for the meds to wear off. It could be a few hours.”
    “I’ll wait,” my dad said. Then, “You hear me, Beany? I’m not going anywhere.”
    The next few times I woke up, I felt no pain. Zero. Because when half the bones in your face have been pulverized, and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men are trying to put you