My Life and Other Massive Mistakes Read Online Free PDF

the door wide and strike a karate pose. ‘Hi-YA!’ I knew my yellow belt would come in handy sometime.
    The room is empty. No Stella. No rabbit.
    I check behind the door. I flick the shower curtain open. No one.
    I hear a loud, insistent knock on the front door of the house. A pounding, like she’s going at it with a jackhammer, trying to knock it down. I’ve had enough. I can’t live like this, like an animal, cowering inside my own home at Easter time. I need to confront that freaky, freckle-faced stalker.
    I go to my bedroom, peel back the rug, open my trapdoor and dig around to find my monster mask. It has wrinkled green skinwith lumps of pus and sores all over it and a shock of wild, white hair. I’ll scare the life out of her, she’ll drop the rabbit, I’ll grab it – or what’s left of it – and in two minutes’ time I’ll be sitting on the couch with my friend the bunny rabbit.
    I pull the mask on, close the trapdoor, roll the rug back into place and creep up the hall towards the front door. It’s hard to see through the eyeholes and I bump into the hall table. Stella’s pounding suddenly stops. There’s a muffled flop and the house is silent.
    My heart somersaults in my chest. I stand behind the front door and take the deadbolt knob between my fingers. I’m ready for anything. I breathe steadily and, in one quick motion, I rip the door open. ‘RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!’
    The monster mask twists and I can’t see out of the eyeholes, and when I straighten the mask I can’t see Stella. She’s gone.
    Maybe she snuck into the house?
    I tear the mask off … and guess who I find lying there on the veranda, flat out on her back?
    â€˜Stella?’
    I prod her with my foot. ‘Stella, get up. I know you’re faking.’ She doesn’t move. ‘I’m not that stupid, Stella.’

    I go around to her left side and kneel down to check if she’s breathing, but she doesn’t seem to be. She really is very good at this. I feel a pang of nervousness. Maybe I scared her to death?
    â€˜Stella, you’d better not be tricking me. If you’re faking and you’re not dead, I’m going to be so annoyed with you.’
    But it doesn’t seem like she is faking. It feels like the real thing. I place two fingers on her neck to check her pulse. She’s warm but I can’t feel any beating. This frightens me because I know what people have to do in this situation. I practised it in Health class on a plastic dummy.
    Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
    Stella has so much brown goo on her face, it’s mental. I can’t put my lips on that. I try to wipe the chocolate off but it’s too sticky. I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to do. Do you breathe first then pump down on the chest, or is it chest then breathe? Stella looks pretty pale, though, so I figure I need to do something.
    I lean down towards her. I look at her face close-up. I try to pretend that I am my bestfriend Jack and that Jack is the one giving Stella mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, which makes me feel slightly better.
    I check one more time to see if she’s breathing but she’s not, so I squeeze my eyes closed, press my lips against hers and blow.
    Stella jerks forward and her face jams hard against mine, nearly knocking out my front teeth. My first thought is that I must have done something right because she’s responding. But then my worst fears are confirmed. Stella’s arms lock around my neck and I’m stuck. I try to struggle out of her hold, but she’s got me and my mouth is smooshed up to hers. It’s hideous. I am kissing Stella Holling through a mask of chocolate sludge and I want to bite off my own lips.
    I grab her shoulders and use every ounce of strength I have to push myself up and away. I jump back and wipe my mouth.
    She sits up, grinning like a mad person, bunny ears all