Murdering Americans Read Online Free PDF Page B

she grunted. ‘Anyway, that’ll teach her to be sarcastic and ask me if I’d any more complaints. I could have made a much bigger fuss than I did. The pasta wasn’t fit to be served to a horse and my favourite cat would have had harsh words about that excuse for fowl.’
    ‘Your life must be a constant battlefield.’
    ‘I enjoy battle.’
    ‘I can see that.’
    They walked along in companionable silence for a few minutes until Brooks stopped. ‘This is goodbye, Jack. I’m going thataway to collect my bags and you’ll be heading thataway to catch your connecting flight.’ He handed her the crate he had insisted on carrying. ‘That trip was a lot of fun.
    ‘Now remember what I told you. Get sassy with immigration or customs and you could be dead or on your way home in no time. And any problems at Freeman—just give me a call.’
    They embraced and then began their separate marches down the long long corridors of the enormous Chicago airport.
    ***
    ‘Whatyougotthere, lady?’
    ‘My parrot.’
    She thrust some documents at the customs official. ‘You’ll find these are in order.’
    ‘Thasfurmetosay, lady. Open up the box.’
    The baroness summoned up her failing reserves of patience. ‘Do I really have to? He’ll be distressed by the light and the noise.’
    ‘Open.’
    Grimly, the baroness undid the buckles, opened the lid slightly, said, ‘There, there, Horrie, everything’s fine,’ and then half-opened the lid so the official could peer inside.
    ‘He talk?’
    ‘A bit.’
    There was a whistle from inside the carrier and then Horace shouted at maximum volume, ‘Pass the ammunition.’
    The official froze. ‘What?’
    ‘Pass the ammunition,’ repeated Horace obligingly.
    ‘You come with me, lady. We’re gonna visit with Homeland Security.’
    ‘You cannot be serious, Officer. Are you suggesting my parrot is a terrorist? Where about his person do you think he would conceal explosives?’
    ‘He ain’t a terrorist. But he cuddabeen keeping company with some. He’s certainly saying some funny things for a parrot.’
    The baroness struggled to keep her temper. ‘“Pass the ammunition” is just part of an American phrase, Officer. I taught him to say “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition,” but he often forgets one bit or another.’
    ‘So it’s profane as well as threatening, is it?’
    ‘It was said by a U.S. chaplain during the defence of Pearl Harbour.’
    ‘Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see what Homeland Security thinks.’
    ‘I’ll miss my connecting flight.’
    ‘That’s your problem, lady. Mine is the defence of the good ol’ U.S. of A. Follow me.’
    ***
    Pushing a laden trolley, the baroness emerged exhausted out of Indianapolis airport more than three hours later. Her red velvet Tudor cap was slightly askew, so the pheasant tail-feathers stuck out at a strange angle. With a mixture of relief and disappointment, she spotted a large piece of cardboard reading LADY IDA TROUTBECK , behind which was a tiny blonde in micro-shorts and flip-flops with a t-shirt reading I ♥ FREEMAN U.
    ‘Hi, Lady Ida. I’m Betsy. It’s like really great to meet you. Wow, that’s totally such a cool hat.’
    ‘Thank you, Betsy. I’m glad you approve. Now where’s the Provost? She said she’d meet me.’
    ‘Hey, she was totally pissed she couldn’t come, but she had like some crisis with her programme. She’ll catch you at the hotel. I’m your roadie for the next few days so she asked me to pick you up. It’s just as well, really, since you’re so late. She’d have been like totally freaked waiting that long.’
    ‘I’m totally freaked myself.’
    Betsy’s face fell. ‘Hey, that’s too bad. Wasn’t the journey cool? I’ll get you to the hotel quick as I can so you can chill. Can I push your cart?’
    Although the baroness was not too tired to appreciate the physical attributes that Betsy had generously on show, she was in grumbling mode. ‘I’m not Ida. I’m Jack. And not