‘awfie tinkie’.
5) The national anthem tae be played in the toun square ilka oor on the oor. Awbody maun staund up for it. Bein in a wheelchair is nae excuse for no peyin yer respects tae Her Mejesty.
6) Aw dugs tae be kept on leads at aw times. Even ben the hoose.
7) Verruca soacks tae be worn by awbody at the local sweemin baths whither they hae a verruca or no. This should cut doon the chaunce o verruca infection tae ablow zero.
8) The Christmas pantomime is tae be stapped due tae the consistent rochness o the humour (jokes aboot bahookies, for example. There is nothin funny aboot a bahookie. We aw hae a bahookie and we aw ken fine weel whit comes oot o a bahookie and whit soond a bahookie can mak aw by itsel).
9) Gaun tae the kirk on Sunday mornin tae be compulsory. And when ye dae go ye hae tae chant the hymns richt, no jist open and shut yer mooth when the organ plays.
10) Mobile telephonic devices tae hae ainly classical music ringtones fae noo on, like Mozart or Beethoven or yin o the ither yins, no the latest pop sangs fae the hit parade.
11) Unemployed folk no tae be allooed tae claim ony mair benefit. Dole minks ainly hae theirsels tae blame and are jist bane idle. Why should we pey them tae sit at hame watchin or appearin on The Jeremy Kyle Show ?
12) Giant bronze stookies o royals Prince Edward and his bonnie wife Sophie, Coontess o Wessex, tae be pit up in the local park.
13) Tattoos on onybody (forby veesitin sailors) tae be banned. Tattoos can be drapped aff anonymously at polis stations wioot prosecution.
14) Fast food burger restaurants tae bring in ashets, cutlery and table service. And stap servin burgers. And chips. And nuggets. And thae aipples pies that are that hoat in the middle they jist aboot burn yer mooth aff.
15) The local library tae stock ainly the warks o Beatrix Potter. Apairt fae The Tale o Mr Jeremy Fisher , as the bittie when the puddock, Mr Fisher, is swallaed by a troot is faur ower violent even for adults.
16) Fitba gemmes in the local park cause unnecessary stooshies. Fae noo on ainly imaginary baws tae be used.
17) Ainly nice films tae be offered for rental in Blockbuster. That is tae say films aboot poash folk fae the aulden days wha are ower blate even tae haud hauns.
18) Tae combat the growin problem o ‘hoodies’ aw taps wi hoods tae hae the hoods cut aff them.
19) Video gemmes turn folk’s brains intae cockaleekie soup. Ony video gemmes (or computer gemmes or console gemmes or whitever the stupit things are cawed) tae be played ainly atween 4pm and 4:01pm daily.
20) Finally, aw hameless people, or ‘soapjoukers’, are tae be banned fae oor streets. They are a menace tae oor society. And, mair importantly, they pure honk.
Chloe cowped ontae the sofae when she read thae last sentences. There wis a lood squaik as she did sae. Mither had insistit on keepin on the plastic covers the sofae and the airmchair had arrived in, in order tae keep them in guid condeetion. They were aye in guid condeetion, but it meant yer bahookie got awfie hoat and switey.
Whit aboot ma new freend Mr Mingin? Chloe thocht. Whit’s gonnae happen tae him? And whit aboot the Duchess? If he’s banned fae the streets whaur, in the name o the wee man, is he meant tae go?
And then, a meenit efter, Jings, ma bahookie’s gettin awfie hoat and switey.
She shauchled her wey dowiely back upstairs tae her room. Sittin on the bed, she gowked oot the windae. Because she wis blate and haunless, Chloe didnae easy mak new freends. Noo her newest freend Mr Mingin wis gonnae hae tae get oot o toun. Mibbe forever. She gawped oot through the gless at the deep blue enless air. Then, jist afore her een loast focus in the infinite sky o nothin, she looked doon. The answer wis at the end o the gairden gawpin back at her.
The shed.
7
A Bucket in the Coarner
This operation had tae be tip-tap secret. Chloe waitit until it wis daurk, and then led Mr Mingin and the Duchess silently doon
5) The national anthem tae be played in the toun square ilka oor on the oor. Awbody maun staund up for it. Bein in a wheelchair is nae excuse for no peyin yer respects tae Her Mejesty.
6) Aw dugs tae be kept on leads at aw times. Even ben the hoose.
7) Verruca soacks tae be worn by awbody at the local sweemin baths whither they hae a verruca or no. This should cut doon the chaunce o verruca infection tae ablow zero.
8) The Christmas pantomime is tae be stapped due tae the consistent rochness o the humour (jokes aboot bahookies, for example. There is nothin funny aboot a bahookie. We aw hae a bahookie and we aw ken fine weel whit comes oot o a bahookie and whit soond a bahookie can mak aw by itsel).
9) Gaun tae the kirk on Sunday mornin tae be compulsory. And when ye dae go ye hae tae chant the hymns richt, no jist open and shut yer mooth when the organ plays.
10) Mobile telephonic devices tae hae ainly classical music ringtones fae noo on, like Mozart or Beethoven or yin o the ither yins, no the latest pop sangs fae the hit parade.
11) Unemployed folk no tae be allooed tae claim ony mair benefit. Dole minks ainly hae theirsels tae blame and are jist bane idle. Why should we pey them tae sit at hame watchin or appearin on The Jeremy Kyle Show ?
12) Giant bronze stookies o royals Prince Edward and his bonnie wife Sophie, Coontess o Wessex, tae be pit up in the local park.
13) Tattoos on onybody (forby veesitin sailors) tae be banned. Tattoos can be drapped aff anonymously at polis stations wioot prosecution.
14) Fast food burger restaurants tae bring in ashets, cutlery and table service. And stap servin burgers. And chips. And nuggets. And thae aipples pies that are that hoat in the middle they jist aboot burn yer mooth aff.
15) The local library tae stock ainly the warks o Beatrix Potter. Apairt fae The Tale o Mr Jeremy Fisher , as the bittie when the puddock, Mr Fisher, is swallaed by a troot is faur ower violent even for adults.
16) Fitba gemmes in the local park cause unnecessary stooshies. Fae noo on ainly imaginary baws tae be used.
17) Ainly nice films tae be offered for rental in Blockbuster. That is tae say films aboot poash folk fae the aulden days wha are ower blate even tae haud hauns.
18) Tae combat the growin problem o ‘hoodies’ aw taps wi hoods tae hae the hoods cut aff them.
19) Video gemmes turn folk’s brains intae cockaleekie soup. Ony video gemmes (or computer gemmes or console gemmes or whitever the stupit things are cawed) tae be played ainly atween 4pm and 4:01pm daily.
20) Finally, aw hameless people, or ‘soapjoukers’, are tae be banned fae oor streets. They are a menace tae oor society. And, mair importantly, they pure honk.
Chloe cowped ontae the sofae when she read thae last sentences. There wis a lood squaik as she did sae. Mither had insistit on keepin on the plastic covers the sofae and the airmchair had arrived in, in order tae keep them in guid condeetion. They were aye in guid condeetion, but it meant yer bahookie got awfie hoat and switey.
Whit aboot ma new freend Mr Mingin? Chloe thocht. Whit’s gonnae happen tae him? And whit aboot the Duchess? If he’s banned fae the streets whaur, in the name o the wee man, is he meant tae go?
And then, a meenit efter, Jings, ma bahookie’s gettin awfie hoat and switey.
She shauchled her wey dowiely back upstairs tae her room. Sittin on the bed, she gowked oot the windae. Because she wis blate and haunless, Chloe didnae easy mak new freends. Noo her newest freend Mr Mingin wis gonnae hae tae get oot o toun. Mibbe forever. She gawped oot through the gless at the deep blue enless air. Then, jist afore her een loast focus in the infinite sky o nothin, she looked doon. The answer wis at the end o the gairden gawpin back at her.
The shed.
7
A Bucket in the Coarner
This operation had tae be tip-tap secret. Chloe waitit until it wis daurk, and then led Mr Mingin and the Duchess silently doon
Similar Books
Chocolate Box Girls: Bittersweet
Cathy Cassidy
Murder in the Mist
Loretta C. Rogers
Holiday at Magnolia Bay (Southern Born Christmas Book 1)
Tracy Solheim
The Ultimate Stonemage: A Modest Autobiography
Duncan McKenzie
Seductive Guest
E. L. Todd
The King of Swords (max mingus)
Nick Stone
Daisy and the Trouble with Life
Kes Gray
Forever Santa
Leeanna Morgan
Lord of Death: A Shan Tao Yun Investigation
Eliot Pattison