Monkey Business Read Online Free PDF Page A

is the one that I really want to work for. You guys have a great reputation and I would
     be honored to be part of your team. I’m eager, able, and ready to work for you. I know the reputations of the firms because
     I worked on Wall Street before and I know that your firm is a good fit for me. I liked what I did as an analyst and I really
     want to go back into investment banking as an associate for a premier firm like yours.”
    I had to bite my tongue at times. However, this was the epitome of one bullshitter bullshitting another bullshitter, and usually
     it worked.
    The first interviews were on campus in these little interview rooms. I was able to get through the first round of interviews
     unscathed. I moved on to the second round with all of the investment banks. Now the fun began and the pressure mounted. The
     bullshit wouldn’t work as well in the second round. In this round I needed to look and act sincere, and tell them what they
     wanted to hear. I was nervous.
    The second and third rounds of interviews were held off campus in hotel rooms. When I entered the room formy interview with Bear, Stearns, there were two bankers sitting there facing me. To their right was a king-size bed. In front
     of them was a chair for the interviewee to sit in. There was a sealed window behind them that overlooked a courtyard, and
     a bathroom behind them off to the right. It was a pretty standard hotel room. The air-conditioning was humming and the room
     was kind of chilly. One of the interviewers stood up and said, “Hi, I’m Mike and I’m a managing director in the Utilities
     Group. This is my colleague Joanne, a vice president in the Real Estate Group. Peter, please sit down.”
    I sat down, and Mike continued. “When you worked at Kidder Peabody, did you like it?”
    A layup question to start the interview. No problem. Any well-trained baboon could answer it. I should have leaned over and
     given Mike a big kiss. “Yes, I liked my time at Kidder Peabody,” I began confidently, “I learned a lot and I want to continue
     in the investment banking business.”
    “Well,” Mike said, “why do you want to continue in the investment banking business? Is it the money or the challenge?”
    Ahh, shit. This was one of those questions where no matter what I said I’d be wrong. If I said the money, then I’d look like
     a greedy little bastard. If I said the challenge, then they’d know that I was full of crap. I was already treading water on
     the full-of-shit category due to my answer to the first question. They had to know that there was no way anybody could have
     ever enjoyed being an analyst. The clock was ticking. The extended pause conveyed my indecision.
    I could see my chances at Bear slipping away, and mynervousness had sunk down into my stomach. I felt a sharp pang in my gut. I said, “May I use your bathroom, please?”
    “Certainly.”
    My stomach was growling. I was so nervous. This was my first second-round interview. I walked past Mike and Joanne into the
     bathroom. The question still hung in the air. The pain in my side was excruciating. As quick as Flash Gordon, I had my pants
     around my ankles. I experienced a moment of anticipation, a flood of relief, then complete bliss. However, the breaking winds
     were a little loud. I knew that it would stink up the whole room within minutes and that there was no window to open. It was
     not easy keeping a straight face when I came out of that bathroom. I walked past Mike and Joanne again and sat down in the
     interviewee chair. I lamely answered their question and said, “Both the challenge and the money.” Then I proceeded to finish
     answering all of their remaining questions. We all pretended not to notice the rotten egg smell surrounding us. I knew that
     I had no chance to get asked to the next round.
    The worst part of this interview was that I knew that they knew that I did it. It wasn’t like when three strangers are in
     an elevator and one farts