Merry Random Christmas Read Online Free PDF Page B

puppy, flopped on the ground next to her bare feet.
    “We found you,” Trevor said, his voice filled with a nervous questioning. If I spoke, I’d sound the same. We both frowned, then stayed silent. Darla would have to take the lead here. Too many questions swirled through my mind, and I was still trying to recover from the bizarre reality of that church organist strip- a -thon.
    “About time. Where in the hell have you been?” Her voice sounded well-used, like she’d been at a football game, screaming for the home team. Yet her volume was low. Energy depleted. A part of me chilled with a kind of fear and concern I don’t think I’ve ever felt before in my life. This wasn’t our normal, exuberant, louder-by-a-notch-than-normal Darla.  
    “Humping the elves at the North Pole?” said a voice from behind us. If zombies could talk, this is what they’d sound like. I pivoted to find myself face to face with a thousand-year-old raisin.
    “Thanks, Madge,” Darla muttered as the old waitress threw down a plate of fried food and some kind of chocolate pie, plus a peppermint ice cream sundae.  
    “Get you boys anything?” Madge leaned toward me and sniffed. “You already smell like a candy cane sundae.” She sniffed again, then pointed to the parfait dish . T he skin on her face crumpled like a paper bag balled up in your hand right before you pitch it in the trash. Madge shook her head and turned her attention to Trevor.  
    “Just more of whatever Darla’s having,” Trevor muttered, bending down to sit across from her. Madge shrugged and high-tailed it to the kitchen, typing on some electronic device that looked like a smartphone with a stylus.  
    “There you are!” screeched a new voice.
    I didn’t turn around. I didn’t have to. I knew who that was. I arched one eyebrow and caught Darla’s eye.
    “Your mom’s here with me,” she said drolly.
    “I noticed.”
    Hands pressed into my shoulders, her strength surprising.  
    “Hi, Mom,”
    “’Hi, Mom?’ ‘ Hi, Mom?’ I see your naked ass plastered all over the Internet and all you can say is ‘ Hi, Mom?’ ”  
    I still didn’t want to turn around.  
    “I should say,” she added, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “I see your naked ass plastered all over the Internet again . Joey, do you have any idea how expensive that Internet reputation manager was? We just scrubbed all the search results for your name on Google. You can finally search for Joe Ross and not get that damn video of you with the gerbil clinging to your...with Darla’s breasts hanging out the window...with Trevor’s naked chest—”  
    “Jesus, lady, cut the fucking apron strings,” Madge crack ed as she deliver ed a pot of coffee and two more mugs.
    M om’s hands on my shoulders turn ed into talons.
    “Excuse me?” If a surgeon’s scalpel had a voice, it would be my mom’s.  
    Now I really d id n’t want to turn around.
    Darla’ s head lift ed slow ly , the corners of her mouth rising up in a grin. Her eyes flash ed with the kind of eagerness I’ d seen in those gr een, glowing pools of sweetness only when something big is about to happen.  
    And a showdown between my mother and Madge qualifie d .
    Trevor poured a cup of coffee and watched my mom and the old waitress . I faced him and tried to catch his eye. He looked at Darla instead, who shot him a grin and rallied.
    Great. Nothing like bloodsport to cheer up our girlfriend. Darla would have fit in under Caligula’s reign.  
    “Are you deaf, or does all the Botox you pump into those veins bunch up in your ears and block your hearing?” Madge said to my mom, who inhaled sharply.
    If I turned around, I would become a pillar of salt. I knew it. Instead, I moved slowly toward Darla’s side of the booth and slid in next to her, careful to move slowly lest I catch the attention of a predator.
    Using peripheral vision, I watched the two of them face each other, Madge’s cat-butt mouth twisted with what I