Louis Beside Himself Read Online Free PDF Page A

his knees, ready to start some sit-ups. Soon he was panting and snorting like a Mallee bull. Whatever that is. When he’d done fifty he stopped for a breather.
    â€˜That’s impressive,’ said Dad. ‘You see how fit your boyfriend is, Rosie? When are you going to play some sport instead of standing around in front of mirrors? Why don’t we all do isometric exercises in the morning together as a family? Of course, Louis, you need to work on your biceps to be effective in arm-wrestling, but if you concentrate hard on your triceps, forearms and shoulders as well, you’d really have the winning edge.’
    I couldn’t help sighing. Loudly.
    â€˜And then there are the tips I learned from my father,’ he went on, ignoring me. As if we hadn’t heard them all before. ‘See, it’s all in your mental approach. If you think positive thoughts, you’ll be more likely to win. And when you’re arm-wrestling, look the other guy in the eye and compliment him suddenly on his hair. That’ll distract him for sure.’ Now Dad sighed, shifting his gaze to Rosie. ‘Are you going to wear that bath mat out into the world, my girl? It barely covers your nether regions!’
    N ETHER R EGIONS! It sounded like a remote snowy spot on a map. Rosie just rolled her eyes.
    â€˜Your dad’s right, it’s good to be fit,’ Miles told her, leaping up and lifting the big Macquarie Dictionary up and down to strengthen his right biceps. ‘You should come running at night with me. And if anyone jumps out at us, I can protect you with my right hook.’
    â€˜Oh yeah, and who’s going to jump on me around here – Mrs Livid from Next Door?’ said Rosie, shooting a look at me. I didn’t know she knew about livid. Although, come to think of it, Rosie had taken Mrs Next Door to the hearing specialist, and they’d brought home a smart little hearing aid the size of a plum stone.
    â€˜You never know who might be lurking around,’ said Miles wisely, cracking his knuckles. ‘You just never know.’
    â€˜My sentiments exactly,’ said Dad.
    â€˜So, Monty,’ Miles said, bounding forward as if he was about to do a Five Star Frog Splash, ‘let’s try that Walls of Jericho move again, it’s hectic!’
    â€˜Okay, let’s do it!’ Dad yelled, his voice shiny with excitement.
    And this is when it happened – the phenomenon, that is.

    DAD whirled around the kitchen table and charged up the hall, just as Miles charged down towards him.
    â€˜Jericho!’ shouted Miles, wanting to surprise him.
    They clashed right in front of the mirror, exactly where Rosie had been standing just one minute before, checking out her hand towel. Miles grabbed Dad’s hands. Dad tripped and crashed headlong into Miles’s chest, then tipped over just like a vase of flowers and smashed onto the hard wooden floor. On the way down, his elbow struck the mirror, hard as a hammer. We all watched the mirror teeter in slow motion, as if trying to decide whether to go to all the bother of suicide, then die sideways onto the floor, landing heavily on top of Dad’s outstretched body.
    Miles was the first to unfreeze. ‘God, I’ve killed Monty!’ He crouched over Dad, shaking his shoulder. ‘Monty, speak to me, speak to me! I was just showing off. Oh, why didn’t someone kill me first!’
    â€˜Ohhislliskaysh,’ said Dad. At least I think that’s what he said – his face was still squashed on the floor. I thought he’d been R ENDERED I NSENSIBLE .
    After ten seconds Dad stirred and slid out from under the mirror. He looked as if he wasn’t sure all these limbs belonged to him. Miles threw his arms around him in a fierce bear hug. We all rushed forward and helped Dad and Miles up and into the kitchen.
    â€˜Sit down, sit down!’ yelled Miles, who needed to say everything twice when he was upset,