Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me Read Online Free PDF Page A

lavish might do the trick,” Chelsea suggested. “You could do something simple and still have it be really nice.”
    Rose quickly dismissed that idea. “Chelsea, people are expecting big things from me.”
    When Chelsea and I left, she pointed out that Rose was expecting people to think big things about her. Rose liked to be the center of attention, and while we loved her, it could get really annoying. Nonetheless, we accepted the honor and did our duties with smiles painted on our faces. We also decided that in order to help her out, we’d pay for her wedding dress accessories, and we informed her of this via a lovely note on a generic, store-bought greeting card.
    Chelsea said I had better penmanship, so I had to write it, but what we didn’t realize at the time was that I wasn’t good about reviewing my work for punctuation errors.
    Later in the week, we watched Rose try on wedding gown after wedding gown until she found “the one.” It was very pretty and very expensive, which was something we discovered when she turned to us as she was purchasing it.
    “Okay, so you don’t have to make the first payment for thirty days. Then you’ll just make subsequent payments every thirty days for the next six months.”
    We could literally hear the seamstress’s pins drop.
    “O… kay…” I mumbled in complete shock and disbelief, not knowing how to respond to this turn of events. Chelsea yanked me into a dressing room as Rose reviewed veil options, which were also part of our new budget.
    “What is she talking about?!”
    “I have no idea!” I shouted back as I removed her vise-like grip from my forearm.
    “It’s obviously something you wrote, because I don’t recall telling her I had an extra three grand lying around to pay for her dress! We’re waitresses! What is she thinking?!”
    “I don’t—”
    “You need to fix this. You need to say something.”
    “Me?! Why? You’re the strong one! I’ll just cave and end up paying for the honeymoon, too!”
    “Well, I’m not going to do it, because I’ll make her cry, so you’re going to have to.”
    Contrary to what people might think, as much as Chelsea loves fucking with people, she has a big heart, one that prevents her from wanting ever to truly hurt someone’s feelings. And this was one of those situations.
    Later, after I spoke with her, Rose was hysterical as she reviewed the card for fifteen minutes. “See, right here.” She pointed to the minuscule black mark between the words dress and accessories. “There’s a comma after dress. I just don’t know how I could have misunderstood that. I’m so ashamed,” she wailed.
    I couldn’t take it. “Chelsea wrote the card!” I bellowed, at that point not wanting to be the bad guy.
    Chelsea was not pleased with me for selling her down the river, not so much because I was inept, but because Rose made her attend extra prayer circles to pray for better lines of communication in their relationship. I should have known it would be but a matter of time before I had to do my penance.
    A few days before the wedding, Rose announced that she had a surprise.
    “You’re pregnant!” Chelsea exclaimed.
    “No, that’s not something Jesus would approve of,” Rose replied.
    “I can assure you that if there is indeed a Jesus, he’s not up in heaven strategizing about your wedding,” Chelsea commented. I didn’t have a fry this time, so I laughed into a pillow.
    Rose put in a CD, then ceremoniously stood and announced to me, Chelsea, and the other two bridesmaids, Shannon and Theresa, that she was going to perform an acoustic version of Shania Twain’s “From This Moment On” at her reception.
    Three of the bridesmaids’ responses were: “That’s great,” “Good for you,” and “How romantic!” Chelsea’s response was to walk straight out of the room. Rose couldn’t sing. “Tone deaf” would have been a compliment. Nonetheless, we listened as she rehearsed, secretly wondering how she could