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especially my agent. He sent me a script today that isn’t worth the paper wasted on it. If I had a dog, I’d use it to collect the poop. It might be the worst script ever written. They want me to play a character named Lauren in an interracial sitcom called Gray Areas. How “neat” is that? I get to play myself, but my real self would never say what’s in this script. Let me give you a taste of what someone ignorant thinks is comedy. . . .

    Patrick read the first scene of Gray Areas without laughing. He reread the scene and shook his head so much, he started to get dizzy. This is . . . this is rotten! They’re actually serious about putting this on TV? They can’t be! Ignorant is right. This script should be illegal.

    See what I mean? I’d have to be insane to take that role.
    And on top of all this, I have been trying for years to get on Saturday Night Live, but they already have Erika James, that skinny piece of driftwood, and I bet they give her the role of “the Loneliest Woman in the World.” I love that character. She gets to verbally castrate the host at some point during every show, and it’s completely ad-lib. I would love to do that, especially if The Nameless One is hosting. Erika James can’t do ad-lib, and she can’t do improv. She’d freeze up like the icicle she is. I would rock that role.
    Sorry I rambled. I haven’t been having a good time. I should just turn that Gray Areas mess down and worry about my health. What do you think?
    Lauren

    Despite his heartfelt concerns for Lauren’s life and health, Patrick smiled.
    Lauren Short, actress, wants my opinion. A talented, intelligent woman, the kind of woman every man dreams of simply meeting for a few seconds, wants my opinion. A woman waiting to find out if she’s dying . . . He shook his head. God, help her, please. Let that test be negative, okay?
    A woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders wants my advice.
    He looked through the frosted window beside his bed at the deli across the street.
    My burrito can wait.
    I hope I can help her smile.

    Lauren:
    Yes, the script is ridiculous. I was offended. I don’t smell like a wet puppy. I smell bad after a full day’s work, but I do not smell like a wet puppy. More like an Irish wolfhound. And I don’t think I have a “shovel” back there. I know how to use one, though. The shovel, I mean. :~)
    I don’t hang out at any of the places (except church) the script says I’m supposed to. Who goes to Hell’s Kitchen to shop? The name alone should tell you something, right? That place is mostly industrial. She might go there to buy a car or pay too much for clothes in the Garment District.
    If I ever saw this show, I’d turn it off quickly. Watching the Weather Channel would be more exciting. Watching my fingernails grow would be more entertaining. Watching water drip in a sink would be more hilarious. Rainy days are funnier.
    And having Erika James play “the Loneliest Woman in the World” is an outrage. I’ve seen her, and she is terrible. Erika James wouldn’t get a starring role in a kindergarten class play. If she played the tree, she’d have to be a birch tree, and she’d want to be front and center with a speaking role. “I am a tree. Hear me bark!” Erika James doesn’t have the intelligence to know that a tree in a kindergarten class play doesn’t speak. It just stands there, looking treelike, which is exactly how she acted in that Eddie Murphy movie. Wooden. Erika James is a skinny piece of light tan wood.
    But you are . . . amazing.
    Maybe you can make that Gray Areas show work. Let them know how false it is and turn it into something awesome.
    I am not the person who should be giving you advice on anything to do with acting, but I do know that work is work when you can get it. Sometimes you have to make work, work for you. (Did that make sense?) Maybe this will all work out for you. I hope it does.
    I am so sorry to hear about all your misfortunes, especially