Land of the Living Read Online Free PDF Page A

me.’
    ‘Please.’
    ‘What?’
    ‘You have to say please.’
    ‘Please. Please give me a blanket.’
    ‘No.’
    Once again I was filled with wild anger. It felt strong enough to suffocate me. I swallowed hard. Beneath the hood, I stared, blinked. I imagined him looking at me, sitting with my arms behind my back and my neck in a noose and my head in a hood. I was like one of those people you see in newspaper pictures, being led out into a square to be shot by a line of men with guns. But he couldn’t see my expression beneath the hood. He didn’t know what I was thinking. I made my voice expressionless.
    ‘All right,’ I said.
    When the time came, would he hurt me? Or was he just going to let me die bit by bit? I was no good with pain. If I was tortured, I would crack and give up any secret, I was sure of that. But this was much worse. He would be torturing me and there would be nothing I could do to stop him, no information to give. Or perhaps he would want sex. Lying on top of me in the dark, forcing me. Pull my hood off, naked face, the rag from my mouth, push in his tongue. Push in his… I shook my head violently, and the pain in my head was almost a relief.
    I had once read or heard or been told how soldiers who wanted to join the SAS were ordered to run a long distance with a heavy pack on their back. They ran and ran, and at last they arrived at the end, near to collapsing. And then they were ordered to turn round and run the distance back again. You think you can’t bear any more, but you can.
    There is always more in you than you think. Hidden depths. That’s what I told myself. For what was my breaking point?
    I was woken by slaps on my face. I didn’t want to wake. What was the point? What was there to wake for? Just curl up and sleep. More slaps. Hood pulled up, the gag pulled out of my mouth.
    ‘You awake?’
    ‘Yes. Stop.’
    ‘I’ve got food. Open your mouth.’
    ‘What food?’
    ‘What the fuck does that matter?’
    ‘Drink first. Mouth dry.’
    There was muttering in the dark. Steps going away and down. That was good. A tiny victory. A minuscule bit of control. Steps came back up. The straw in my mouth. I was desperately thirsty but I also needed to rinse away the lint and fluff of the awful old rag I’d been choking on for so long.
    ‘Open your mouth.’
    A metal spoon was pushed into my mouth with something soft on it. Suddenly the idea of eating something I couldn’t see, pushed into my mouth by this man who was going to kill me, was so disgusting that I imagined chewing on raw human flesh. I started to retch and spit. More swearing.
    ‘Fucking eat or I’ll cut the water off for a day.’
    A day. That was good. He wasn’t planning to kill me today.
    ‘Wait,’ I said, and took several deep breaths. ‘All right.’
    The spoon scraped in a bowl. I felt it in my mouth. I licked the food and swallowed it. It was something porridgy, but blander and smoother and slightly sweet. It tasted like one of those powdery bland mushes for babies. Or it might have been one of those concoctions that is given to convalescents, the sort you buy in a chemist’s. I thought of gibbering glassy-eyed people sitting in hospital beds being spoon-fed by bored nurses. I swallowed and more food was pushed into my mouth. Four spoonfuls altogether. I wasn’t being fattened, just kept alive. When I was finished I sucked more water through a straw.
    ‘Pudding?’ I said.
    ‘No.’
    I had an idea. An important idea.
    ‘When did we meet?’
    ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘Since I woke up here, I’ve had the most terrible headache. Was it you? Did you hit me?’
    ‘What are you on about? Are you fucking me around? Don’t you fuck me around. I could do anything to you.’
    ‘I’m not. I don’t mean anything like that. The last thing I remember… I’m not even sure. It’s all so blurred. I can remember being at work, I can remember…’ I was going to say ‘my boyfriend’ but I thought that making him