Kushiel's Mercy Read Online Free PDF Page A

his oaths of loyalty, obedience, and chastity for Phèdre’s sake. He believed in the end that his path was in accordance with Cassiel’s wishes. I believed it, too.
    “Please be seated.” Brother Thomas gestured. His expression was grave again. “Understand, Imriel de la Courcel, that we have little liking for this process. We are servants of Blessed Elua and his Companions. We concern ourselves with matters of the soul, the heart, the flesh. Of love, desire, and divinity, growth and healing, penance and redemption, wisdom and mortal striving. Not politics.”
    I took a seat. “And yet you summoned me here, my lord.”
    “Yes.” He sighed. “Your dilemma is a political one, but it touches on matters of the spirit.”
    No one else spoke, all of them watching silently. I felt unpleasantly as though I were on trial. “What would you have me say, my lords and ladies?” I asked, spreading my hands. “Or what is it you wish to say to me?”
    They exchanged silent glances.
    “I wish to say this,” Brother Thomas said quietly. “We will listen to the words you say here today. Once we have come to consensus, I will advise the Queen accordingly on this as a matter of spirit. I will give no advice in the matter of politics.”
    I shrugged. “Nor would I expect you to.”
    “That is well, then.” Brother Thomas inclined his head. “Speak.”
    I hadn’t expected this. I had expected . . . what? A more intimate conversation, a priest’s gentle questioning leading me to divulge the secret truths of my heart. I wondered if Sidonie had known, and suspected that she had. I wished she’d given me warning, though I supposed that would have somehow tainted the procedure. I wasn’t sure if I was more annoyed or impressed with her integrity.
    “I love her,” I said slowly. “Sidonie. And I could give you a hundred reasons why, a hundred things about her that surprise and delight me, but the truth is that, in the end, I don’t
know
why.” I paused, but no one spoke. “My lords, I know no one who has done more in the service of love than Joscelin Verreuil. When I first came to love Sidonie, I didn’t trust my feelings, not wholly. We were young and fearful and uncertain, and we both knew full well the risks involved in our liaison. I asked Joscelin how it was that he knew for a surety that he loved Phèdre. He said that he had tried doing without her.” I smiled a little to myself, remembering. “He’s not a man of surpassing eloquence, but he speaks to the point.”
    “You took this as advice?” the priest inquired.
    “I did. And in defiance of Blessed Elua’s precept, I chose duty over love. I fulfilled my obligation to the Crown and wed the Cruarch’s niece. You know well what followed.” I swallowed hard at the memory and made myself continue. “If I could unmake that choice, I would. And yet I cherish what small good can be gleaned from the horror. To do otherwise dishonors the dead. I learned a great deal about the true nature of love from Dorelei mab Breidaia. I learned a great deal about myself and what it means to be a man. And I learned that for good or ill, I do love Sidonie de la Courcel with an abiding passion that time, distance, or dire magic cannot alter.”
    They were silent.
    My heartbeat quickened. “My lords, for two years, since first we knew we loved one another, Sidonie and I have been parted. It’s led to naught but misery for far too many. I cannot unmake my choice or undo the tragedies that ensued, but I can seek to trust Elua’s wisdom as I should have done before.” I turned out my hands, pleading. “Is it too much to believe that the gods wish us to be happy?”
    Another glance was exchanged.
    “Do you claim that your happiness is worth throwing Terre d’Ange into chaos?” Brother Thomas asked in a dry tone.
    “Do you claim we are the ones responsible for sowing chaos when we are but following Elua’s precept?” I asked sharply. “
Love as thou wilt.
If the Queen forbids