Keep Calm and Kill Your Wife Read Online Free PDF

Shoot her?”
    “It’s called killing , Hart. What did you have in mind?—tickling her to death?”
    “Listen, there’s a difference between beating someone to death, you know up close, and uh, cutting a rope that has a piano attached to it, let’s say.”
    Brandy puffed up like a rooster, preparing to let loose.
    Hart put his hands up. “It’s just an analogy. I’m just saying.”
    Brandy exhaled, rubbing her thumb and forefinger along the bridge of her nose. “Hart, let’s just keep it simple. Poison her if you don’t want to get your hands dirty.”
    “That’s been done to death.” Hart laughed, realizing what he just said. “Besides that kills the whole woods idea, and I don’t know how to score poison.”
    “Why don’t we just tie her to a train, Snidely Whiplash? You’re not one of James Bond’s nemesises. Just keep it simple, Hart. No suspenseful hourglasses and contraptions and gizmos and dramatic flair. We’re not trying to create an exciting cliffhanger. We just want this to work.”
    “Look, I’m the one actually doing this. Don’t worry, okay? I’ll come up with something. Why don’t you draw up a map of the area and your grandma’s property for me.”
    Hart turned over a paper placemat for her sketch.
    “Look, don’t worry,” he continued. “Creative doesn’t have to mean complicated.”

SEVEN
    “S O GO SOMEWHERE else if you don’t like the cabin.” Bob looked especially good today. Maybe it was the fact that the firm’s latest partner and eternal heartthrob had recently won a particularly impressive case. It seemed to make him all that much more attractive to every female in the firm—if that was possible. As the only one in the office who really had any kind of meaningful shot at Bob, his increasing appeal was not lost on Summer, despite her preoccupations.
    She watched his mouth as his words glided effortlessly off of his tongue. He had an air of immense confidence that he seemed to exude brilliantly without the slightest hint of arrogance. And it all came so naturally, faltering only slightly in the presence of Summer, who either didn’t notice or didn’t care—about the faltering, that is.
    As Bob strode toward her, Summer smiled, as did all of the other women in the office, secretly hoping he’d stop at her desk.
    Summer loved when he approached her, even though it was usually to simply ask for files or to retrieve messages. But it was the small talk in between that she really adored. The jokes, the harmless flirting. But that was all it was. She knew it could never be any more than that. She loved Hart and wasn’t the type of person to be caught up in such girlish fantasies. At least not in real life. No, Bob was great but she could tell the difference between love and infatuation.
    “No,” she said. “I think I’ll stick to the cabin. Hart’s really excited about it and I don’t want to disappoint him. Besides, I technically own it—the cabin, I mean—so the vacation wouldn’t really cost much and we really need to save our money right now.” She shrugged. “We’re trying for a baby.”
    Bob raised his eyebrows and nodded, smiling weakly. “Oh. How long have you been trying for?” Then he reddened a little and cringed. “Wow. That was really personal.” Then he feigned an uppercut to his own chin, making a loud clicking sound-effect with his tongue in the process. “Please don’t answer that. I shouldn’t have asked and the only way I can redeem myself now is if you ignore me .”
    Summer laughed. “It’s okay, Bob.”
    “Hey, it’s the only way I’ll learn,” said Bob, now smiling, his confidence returning.
    “It’s fine. And to answer your question, it’s been about six months.”
    “Ahh, I told you not to tell me,” said Bob, playfully waving his hand in the air.
    “Am I fired?”
    “No, no, I’m the one who’s fired. I’m fired up about you having a baby. That’s great news.”
    “Thanks. We’ll see what happens. Six