Keep Calm and Carry a Big Drink Read Online Free PDF Page B

go?”
    I can think of twelve places off the top of my head. But only one really stands out in my mind: “Hawaii.”
    “Well, there you go. School is over, get on a plane.”
    “I don’t want to go to Hawaii alone. How depressing.”
    “You’re not alone. Jeff lives there these days.”
    “Yeah, running a bar for honeymooners. Hawaii’s the place you go to when you’re in love. Not run away to because you can’t find love. I want to see it when I can share it with someone.”
    “Go anyway.”
    Before I can answer, Seema pushes through the doorway. “I need cake.”
    “Why? What happened?” I ask.
    “Nothing happened. I just need cake.”
    Nic picks up the cake and heads for the kitchen door. “Your wish is my command. Mel, can you grab the cake knife and pie server?”
    As I grab Nic’s superfancy sterling-silver serving pieces, Seema puts her hand on Nic’s chest to stop her. “You’re sure you did this right?”
    “I’m sure,” Nic insists, a bit insulted.
    “Because I don’t want to pick a Winnebago charm,” Seema warns her.
    “First of all, it’s not really a Winnebago. Symbolically, it’s a travel charm—”
    Seema puts her hand to her chest. “Nic, try to understand that in my mind, if there is a hell, I won’t spend eternity in a fiery abyss filled with sinners. I’ll be stuck in a Winnebago for all of time, driving around North Dakota in February with Karl Rove and Kim Kardashian.”
    Nic shakes her head slowly. “That’s oddly specific.”
    “I have nightmares. Let’s go.”
    Seema opens the kitchen door to let Nic through with her cake, and me to follow closely behind with the serving pieces.
    Earlier, Nic promised us up and down that she would put the cake topper in front of Seema, we would pick the charms in the midnight and one o’clock positions, and we’d live happily ever after.
    Now, as a math teacher, I could have told Nic the problem with using a cake topper as a marker for a circular cake. If you turn the cake 180 degrees, the cake topper looks exactly the same. Which means the midnight position is now in the six o’clock position, and my one o’clock position is really seven o’clock. Etc. So when we all grab our white satin loops and pull out our charms …
    While other guests squeal in delight, let’s just say I am not as enthusiastic. “What the hell?” I blurt out after seeing my charm.
    “No…,” Nic groans as she sees hers for the first time.
    “Okay,” I ask, showing mine to Nic, “can we trade this time?”
    “What did you get?”
    “The money tree,” I say sadly, tossing it on the table.
    “Oh,” Nic says, confused. “Well, at least that’s not a bad one. It means a lifetime of financial security.”
    Right. That’s not so bad. Maybe I’ll just spend the rest of my life worrying about making money, and waking up every morning to go to a job that I hate just to have more of it. Fan-fucking-tastic.
    “I got the moon,” Nic says, holding up her charm for me to see. “Trade?”
    It doesn’t look too ominous, her cute little half-moon charm. But, then again, I’ve been to this fire before. “Depends. What does it mean?”
    Nic can’t suppress an eye roll. “An adventurous nightlife.”
    I look down at her belly. “How are you…?”
    “I know, right? Trade?”
    As I try to decide if I even want an adventurous nightlife, we hear from a girl in the group. “Ooohhhh, I got the wedding cake!” she giggles. “Does that mean I’m the next one to get married?”
    “It does indeed,” Nic says, immediately plastering on her happy-hostess face. “The yellow sheet of paper in front of each of you is a list explaining what each charm means.”
    While all of the guests read their charts to foresee their futures, I watch Seema’s jaw tighten. She leans toward Nic and whispers, “I thought you had this rigged.”
    “I did,” Nic whispers back defensively, frowning at her charm.
    “What did you get?” one of Seema’s friends asks her