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don't care!!!

Four
Sunday, September 4
    Sometimes things happen, things you previously thought would make little difference to you personally, but they just totally knock you sideways. That's what happened to me today. Oh, not that it was about me. I am not so narcissistic to believe that. But it's hard not to react personally to something like this. And when I heard the news this morning, well, it felt as if someone had dumped a ton of wet cement on me. like I could barely breathe or walk or talk or think. Mostly I've just been crying. It's like I can't stop.
    “A girl from your school was in a serious accident last night,” my dad told me this morning, laying the front page of his newspaper facedown, I suspect so I wouldn't read the headline yet.
    “Who was it?” I ask him, reaching for the paper.
    “Did you know Tiffany Knight?” he asks, studying my face.
    “Yeah. We're not like good friends or anything. What happened? Is she okay?”
    He flips the paper over, and I see Tiffany's photograph and read the headline: Seventeen-Year-Old Girl Killed in Motorcycle Accident.
    I stare at the paper now. “She's dead?” I finally say.
    Dad nods. “It says she died instantly. Her father was the driver. They were going pretty fast when they hit gravel. The bike went out of control and hit a telephone pole. He's in critical condition.”
    “But Tiffany is dead?”
    “Yes. It's very sad.” Dad reaches for my hand now. “You okay, honey?”
    I nod, but this gigantic lump is growing in my throat. “I mean, like I said, we weren't very good friends, but it's just, well, you know…kinda shocking.”
    My dad looks sad too. “I know what you mean.”
    Then I go into the kitchen and get a glass of orange juice. But I can't choke it down. Finally I give up and just pour it down the sink. Then I go back to my room, close the door, sit on my bed, and try to imagine what dying is like.
    I know it sounds morbid, but it's the truth. What is death like? I mean, I've never actually known anyone who died before. And suddenly I wonder if Tiffany can feel anything, hear anything, see anything? Where is she right now? Or did she simply stop existing the momentshe drew her last breath? It all seems very strange and sad and mysterious. And very depressing. Very, very depressing.
    To be honest, I'm not feeling this bummed because Tiffany was such a good friend to me; she wasn't. I didn't even like her. In fact, I used to go out of my way to avoid her. But this doesn't make me feel any better. No, instead of simply feeling bad about her death and depressed about dying in general, now I can add a huge heap of guilt onto my pile too. Why hadn't I been nicer to her? What kind of horrible person am I anyway?
    Finally, I can't take it any longer, and I call Natalie. It turns out that she hasn't even heard the news yet, so I break it to her quickly. Just get it out and over with.
    “You're kidding?” she says. ‘Tiffany Knight is dead?”
    “Yeah.” I take in a breath. “It's on the front page of the newspaper.”
    “Man, that is so sad.”
    “I know. I mean, I wasn't that good of friends with her, but we used to talk sometimes.”
    “Yeah, me too.”
    And so Natalie and I talk some more about Tiffany, and we actually try to say some positive things about her. like how she became a lot nicer last year (she used to be kind of a bully), and how she and Chloe Miller were actually friends (well, sort of). Stuff like that.
    But even after we finish and hang up, I still feel pretty bummed. It's like I cannot shake these feelings. I can'tget thoughts of Tiffany out of my head. I just sit there in the kitchen, staring out the window like a zombie.
    “Don't you want to come to church with us today?” my mom asks when she sees me moping.
    “Not really.”
    “But I can see this news about your friend is very upsetting to you.” She puts her arm around me. “Maybe you'd feel better to go to church today, maybe Pastor Garret will have