Jaine Austen 2 - Last Writes Read Online Free PDF Page A

ordering rhinestone flip-flops in the middle of the night. That’s because he’s too busy ordering Turbo Steamers. My father’s hooked on cooking appliances. My parents’ kitchen is home to the Turbo Steamer, the Wonda-Roaster, the Jet Air Cooker, and everything Ron Popeil has ever made. My father’s probably the only man in the world who shouts “Set It and Forget It!” during sex.
    Yes, my parents are definitely a match made in merchandising heaven. But like I said, they’re really very sweet, and I love them to pieces when they’re not driving me crazy.
    I thought about opening their e-mails, but it had been an exhausting day, and I didn’t have the energy to read about my mother’s latest cotton-poly acquisitions. I’d tackle their letters in the morning. Right now, all I wanted was a bath.
    So I shut down the computer and headed for the tub, where I soaked for a good forty-five minutes, going over the events of the day.
    Things hadn’t gone badly, not badly at all. True, Vanessa had been a bitch. But everyone else had been very nice. Wells Dumont had gone out of his way to tell me he liked my script. And so had Quinn Kirkland, he of the dazzling smile. Good Lord, how did he get his teeth so white, anyway? Must be one of those whitening kits. I made up my mind to pick one up the next time I was at the drugstore.
    When every last nerve ending had been beaten into submission and my body was as limp as linguini, I heaved myself out of the tub and into a cotton night-shirt. I made a halfhearted attempt at running a brush through my mop of curls, then gave up and plopped into bed. I lay there, my arms and legs spread out to the four corners of the bed, and sighed with pleasure. There were definite benefits to sleeping alone. And this was one of them. I spent the rest of the evening scraping the last shards of peanut butter from the bottom of a jar and watching an old Doris Day movie on AMC, Prozac napping on my belly. Absolute heaven.
    Who needed men, anyway? As somebody much smarter than me once said (it was either Gloria Steinem or Ethel Mertz, I forget who): Men are like Xerox machines. They’re good for reproduction, but that’s about it.
    Yeah, right. If I was so damn happy sleeping alone, why did I spend the rest of the night dreaming about being trapped in a bathtub with Quinn Kirkland?

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

    TO: Jausten
    FROM: Shoptillyoudrop
    SUBJECT: Have you met Kelsey Grammer?

    Jaine honey, I still can’t believe it! My daughter, a sitcom writer! Have you met Kelsey Grammer yet? I hear he’s much thinner in person.

    I’ve told everybody at the condo complex how you’re writing for Buffy the Vampire Slayer . By the way, my neighbor Edna’s nephew lives out in L.A. Should I give him your number? I thought I’d ask first. I know how touchy you got when I gave your phone number to that fellow I met in the Home Shopping chat room. Really, darling, I had no idea he was writing from prison. Anyhow, let me know if you want to go out with Ernie Lindstrom (that’s Edna’s nephew’s name). I think Edna said he was a fireman. Either that, or he just got fired. I forget which. Whatever he does, I’m sure he’s a lovely fellow. Edna assures me he shows no signs of the schizophrenia that runs in his family.

    Everything’s fine here in Tampa. Well, not really. Actually, I’ve been worried about Daddy. He’s been acting very strange lately. Even stranger than usual. Yesterday on my way to my Jazzercise class, I could have sworn I saw him following me in his car. Oh, well. Maybe I was just imagining it.

    Anyhow, I bought the most fabulous simulated emerald and cubic zirconia ring last night. A $300 value, for only $49.95! Honestly, dear, you can’t beat the bargains on TV. I wish you’d let me order you something. I saw the most adorable sequinned blazer the other day. It’s a genuine Ralph Loren. Perfect for your exciting new life in show biz.

    And speaking of show biz, you’re not the only one