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president’s wife, silly! In our church, we call the pastor’s wife First Lady. Now pay attention before you miss something.
    Gwen reaches into her bag and pulls out a handful of plastic tiaras.
    â€œWhile we’re in class, each of you will wear one of these tiaras, because you are daughters of King Jesus,” Aunt Elena explains.
    Gwen adds, “And that makes you princesses!”
    Why are Aunt Elena and Gwen clapping and giving themselves a round of applause? They are just too proud of themselves.
    â€œDuring our sessions, you will address each other by your royal names,” Aunt Elena says. “Princess Hope, come and receive your tiara.”
    When we’re all looking beyond foolish with plastic, dollar-store tiaras on our heads, Gwen and Aunt Elena seem pleased. At least someone is happy about this ridiculousness.
    Womp, womp on us.
    â€œOver the course of our time together, we’re going to talk about why your minds, hearts, and bodies are precious to God,” Aunt Elena explains.
    Gwen says, “You will maintain exceptional conduct and grades while in the PGP program. And at the end of March you will graduate from the program and be presented at the PGP cotillion.”
    Aunt Elena asks, “Are there any questions?”
    Sascha raises her hand.
    â€œYes, Princess Sascha?” Aunt Elena says with a big smile.
    Sascha asks, “Is a cotillion a dance? Like a prom? And do we get to bring a date?”
    Gwen replies, “It’s something like a dance, but your parents will be there and you’ll be presented as the debutantes that you are. It’s going to be in early spring, because that’s when the flowers start to bloom, and you will be blooming into young women.”
    Gag on top of gag.
    Sascha scrunches her nose. “Our parents are going to be there? With our dates?”
    â€œThey won’t actually be dates. They’ll be escorts, and only part of the ceremony.”
    Sascha still doesn’t look convinced. “Okay. I guess I get it.”
    Gwen is giving Sascha the shut-your-mouth-that’s-enough-questions stare down. Candy raises her hand and lets her off the hook.
    â€œYes, Princess Candy?”
    Candy clears her throat and swallows. “How will you know if everyone has good conduct?”
    Gwen narrows her eyes at Candy. Have I taught this child nothing? Unnecessary questions always activate Gwen’s mess radar!
    Fortunately for Candy, Aunt Elena tackles her question. “Well, you ladies are on an honor system, as far as we’re concerned. We expect you to understand that this is more about a relationship with God than a dance at the end of March. That being said, if something is brought to our attention, Sister Gwen and I may be forced to take action and you could possibly be removed from the program.”
    Wow. It looks like Aunt Elena and my mom are definitely not playing. Just about every girl in the room looks a tad bit uncomfortable. Valerie more than anyone else—hmmm ... I wonder why?
    I still haven’t figured out why she’s even here, because I sure don’t believe it’s all about wanting to be pure.
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    â€œThat was so embarrassing,” Hope says to me as soon as we’re dismissed.
    â€œTell me about it. How and when did Gwen and Aunt Elena get so out of control?”
    Candy responds, “It’s not that bad. I mean, at least we get to have a cotillion out of the deal.”
    Right. A cotillion. Yet another dance where I have to find a date. They can call it an “escort” all they want, but for real—it’s a date. It seems like my life goes from one dance to the next, all opportunities for me to look like the lame, dateless chick.
    Maybe I’ll just surrender and let Kevin be my boyfriend. He’s dressing better, has contacts, and his driver’s license. Plus his acne is like half gone. Yeah, that still leaves an awful lot of pimples, but you know what