It Shouldn't Happen to a Midwife! Read Online Free PDF Page A

‘but if the rest of you want, you can put your names down now. Then you can be sure you’ll get this book and have an appropriate reference right from the start.’ She handed out a sheet of paper that we, drone like, signed.
    â€˜They’ll be ready for you this afternoon. My secretary will bring them along. What’s that nurse’s name?’
    Miss Harvey seemed to have gone deaf but we got the feeling that Seonaid’s card was already marked. As Matron turned to go, Margaret put up her hand and said, ‘It’d be nice to have your autograph.’
    â€˜Surely that’d spoil it,’ whispered Marie, already checking in her purse. Margaret’s ingratiating way had put my teeth on edge. ‘Sook!’ I muttered.
    â€˜What’s a sook?’ Marie wondered.
    I was lofty. ‘Somebody who sucks up to another person higher up, for personal gain.’
    A bell with all the subtlety of a Klaxon rang as Matron, giving a gracious incline, left.
    â€˜That’s a sign there’s an imminent birth,’ Miss Harvey explained. She rolled up her sleeves. ‘You need to witness ten and have them recorded and attested in these books before you actually get any hands-on experience.’ She started to hand out small jotters. ‘If you open them you’ll see there’s other things that you’ll need to witness as well as do, so we can be sure you’re getting an all-round practical experience to match the theory.’
    The list was formidable and seemed to include everything from breathing to brain surgery.
    â€˜Don’t let it overwhelm you,’ Miss Harvey advised. ‘After all, you’ve a whole year to get through it. Ah, Nurse Fitzsimons.’ Seonaid had returned, looking perky. ‘You’re just in time to collect your record book. Guard this one with your life.’ She tapped it as if typing. ‘There’s no charge, but it’s the most valuable possession you’ll have. If you look inside you’ll see there’s places for signatures from trained staff verifying you’ve completed these tasks. Without this book and without the signatures, you won’t be allowed to sit the finals.’
    â€˜Oh right!’ Seonaid was sanguine as she took the book, tucking it carelessly under her arm. ‘And did I miss anything else?’
    â€˜Only the year’s bestseller. Now don’t lose that one. Right! Let’s get on.’ Miss Harvey swivelled on her heel and pointed to the three words on the blackboard.
    Intrigued, I leant forward, wondering what Cynthia and Margaret would make of them. With a bit of luck they’d have a punch-up over the ‘attitude’ one and ease the way to an early coffee break.
    The tutor picked up a piece of chalk, holding it like a conductor’s baton. ‘It’s amazing what babies get up to in the uterus,’ she said and sketched a series of differently-shaped balloons, ‘considering the womb – ha ha!’ With a sure hand, she drew a baby in each bubble, beguiling in activities ranging from frolics to resting in angelic slumber.
    â€˜After a little practice, you’ll learn how to identify “Lie”, “Attitude” and “Presentation”. See – this is the best lie, attitude and presentation for a baby to be in before birth.’ She pointed to a little haloed person, perfectly curled up in its bubble, head down and patiently queuing as if waiting for a show to start. ‘Not like this.’ She pointed to a party animal doing a moonie. ‘Not a good way to present.’ She put a cross over its bum sitting over the exit. ‘Breech position! Wrong, babe. Wrong.’ It sounded like a song.
    â€˜Right now,’ she continued, ‘impossible as it may seem, you’re going to learn by observation and palpation,’ her hand described a breadmaking pummel, ‘how a baby lies, and how easy its birth is going