Is This What I Want? Read Online Free PDF Page A

starting.
    “Well, work is…” He stared out the sliding glass door that led from the living room to the backyard. I turned to see what he was looking at. The grass was unusually overgrown. I knew he must have been beating himself up for letting it go so long.
    “I can mow it tomorrow,” I said.
    “No. I’ll do it. I like doing it. I enjoy taking care of the house. I just haven’t been able to focus lately. All this stuff going on with us is just…”
    I sat up and set my wine glass on the rectangular coffee table, covering up the nick in the wood that Sam had recently made with the metal underside of a remote control car.
    “Do you want to switch to relationship talk?” I kept my voice soft and inviting to show that I was open to either choice.
    “No, no. That’s all right. I want to stick to the weekly update for now.”
    I felt relieved and picked up my glass again. He looked into my eyes.
    “Basically, I’m not happy at work. I never intended to be a corporate attorney. You know that. I wanted to make a difference, maybe in family law or estate planning.”
    I considered how dissimilar the two of us were. To him, family law or estate planning would be work that makes a difference. I understood, in a way. Both involved protecting families, helping to create security and stability in their lives and futures. But to me, it all seemed tedious and boring—number crunching and piles of legal documents to deal with. I couldn’t imagine practicing any kind of law. I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than teaching. It was exhilarating and I still loved it. Even when I thought I wanted to be a writer and made it five chapters into a novel, part of me knew that even if I finished it, it wouldn’t become a new career. I couldn’t give up the high I got from teaching. Students looked up to me. They valued what I had to teach them. We had fun together. We laughed. We learned from each other.
    Stop thinking about yourself, Beth. Focus on Rick. He’s opening up to you.
    I nodded while he spoke, trying to show him that I cared and wanted to hear more. As I savored my second glass of wine, I felt my skin grow warm and my thoughts slow. Rick continued to share his dissatisfaction with his work. It made me happy that he still wanted to talk to me, but it made me sad that he didn’t enjoy his work.
    “I’m sorry, I’ve been going on about this for too long. What’s going on for you with work? You must have a lot to do to plan for your classes to start soon.”
    “Work is fine for me. You know how I feel about teaching. There’s nothing to say about it right now. I’ve had the summer off and I’m ready to go back. I miss it.”
    “At least one of us is happy with work. That’s a good thing.”
    “Why don’t you quit? Start your own firm doing what you want to do?”
    “And who would pay the bills while I start up a business?”
    “I could teach more classes. I could look into freelance training opportunities. Working part time while I was still nursing Jack was great, but he’ll be ready for preschool soon and both of our mothers are always asking to spend more time with the kids.”
    The big grin developing on his face stopped me. He moved toward me and kissed the tip of my nose. I smiled.
    “What was that for?”
    “It’s because you’ve always supported me in doing whatever I want to do. I don’t take that for granted you know. Like how we lived on Top Ramen when I was in law school.” My smile grew bigger.
    “I was in grad school too. We did it for each other.”
    Rick looked at my wine glass, realizing it was empty again and moved to refill it. I touched his wrist and shook my head.
    “I’m feeling it. I need to slow down. Don’t want to fade out during weekly update.”
    He looked into my eyes and I got the feeling he wanted to ask me something but didn’t know how. I figured I’d take a stab at his question and ask it myself.
    “Wanna take a break from the weekly update and finish