Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit?

Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Read Online Free PDF

Book: Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Read Online Free PDF
Author: Steve Lowe
Tags: HUM000000
the world. Any problems? Well, only that it’s largely bullshit. The science is disputed, but what is clear is that you cannot even accurately account for the amount of carbon that will be “offset” by planting trees. Trees do temporarily trap some carbon but, unfortunately, they also breathe some of it out again—it’s just kind of what they do. (We know this is disturbing, but trees are alive—not like in
Lord of the Rings,
but still . . .) And when the trees are felled, at least some of the carbon will be released back into the atmosphere. So landscape historian Oliver Rackham has compared the practical effect of carbon-offset tree planting to drinking more water to keep down rising sea levels. Even Friends of the Earth, who fucking love trees, say it’s “not a solution.”
    In culinary terms, it’s like living on a diet of Big Macs and thinking that’s all right because you’ve also got the slice of tomato, lettuce, and pickle in there. The message is simple: The planet cannot survive on a diet of burgers.
    CELEBRITIES TAKING CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOWS FAR TOO SERIOUSLY
    During the filming of
Armed & Famous
—the CBS reality show where celebrities patrolled the mean streets of Munice, Indiana—former
CHiPs
star Erik Estrada said of the experience, “I didn’t want to fail so it scared the life out of me.”
    Don’t get so caught up in it, dude. Put it into context: Ponch. A voice on
SeaLab 2021.
Infomercials selling land in Florida. That is
you.
    CELEBRITY FRAGRANCES
    Have rubbish names. There’s Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker; David Beckham’s Instinct; True Star Gold by Beyoncé; Britney Spears’s Fantasy and Britney Spears’s Curious. Britney Spears “personifies daring . . . Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”
    Yes, Britney Spears is indeed fairly curious, although not in the sense that she might suddenly, say, get really into botany. She’s curious in a different way. And she’s getting curiouser and curiouser.
    True Star Gold sounds like one of those obscure gas stations you only ever see in the countryside—like the ones in the industrial part of Burbank with a logo that is almost exactly, although not quite, the same as Exxon’s, if Exxon had produced its logo on a Commodore 64.
    Sean John’s scent is Unforgivable. By which we don’t mean it’s unforgivable, although it probably is. It’s actually called Unforgivable. Apparently, he personally chose the “combination of breathtaking, addictive and slightly dangerous essences.” What are “slightly dangerous essences”? Arsenic that’s been very heavily diluted? Is Sean John slowly trying to poison the world literally as well as metaphorically now?
    Also, why does he always look so miserable? Is he actually miserable?
    CELEBRITY MAGAZINES
    “She’s too
fat
!” “Wait, she’s too
skinny
!” “Or is she so utterly
fantastic
it’s not true?” “No, she’s a
skank
! With sweat stains!”
    For fuck’s sake, at least make up your minds.
    CELEBRITY PRODUCT LINES
    In 2004, spotting a gap in the market for credit cards aimed at impressionable teenagers, pop sensation Usher launched his own, sort of like saying, “Hey kids, if you enjoyed my hit album
Confessions,
you’ll love a life in debt.”
    Or if you have a grand to waste, you could get a table designed by Daft Punk covered in different-colored light squares that respond to noise and light up—like a Studio 54–style dance floor. The only point of this is to say rude words to it and see which squares light up.
    The queen of celebrity product lines, however, is Suzanne Somers. How committed is she to endorsing stuff? She is so committed that she regularly appears on Home Shopping Network! She is so committed that her short-lived one-woman show on Broadway—no joke—included an infomercial for the ThighMaster! She is so committed that she has stopped being an actual celebrity! True story!
    On her Web
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