the kitchen and living room on the way to my bedroom, noting the scarcity of presents, and I truly believed my heart would break. So be it. In the wee hours of December twenty-fifth, I lay on my bed reading a Popeye comic book while my parents and sister opened their gifts less than four feet on the other side of the wall, and I felt a cold, stainless steel cage close over that heart. I vowed he would never win.
Two days after New Yearâs, my mother came into thebedroom and asked how long I was willing to let this go on.
I gritted my teeth, blinked back the tears, and said, âForever.â
She begged me. âPlease, Bo. Your father wonât budge. You know how he is. I hate this.â
I said, âHe can go to hell,â and she slapped my face.
I said she could go to hell, too.
It was Easter Sunday when Dad finally came into my room and said, âYou may rejoin the family now.â Nothing more was said at the time, at least not to me.
It was the nature of my fatherâs power over us that no one outside the family had an inkling of my interment. Even as we stood locked in our struggle, I knew family business was no one elseâs, and never thought to call for help. I waged my war alone. I donât think Iâve ever forgiven Dad for the time he stole, but though weâve had plenty of raging conflicts since, heâs never taken me on like that again.
But now Iâm real nervous about where things are headed, Lar. I do not want to join Nakâs Pack, and not just because itâs filled with desperados whoâve stashed body parts in the dark corners of their basements, either. Iâm afraid that storyâs the kind Mr. Nak will want to hearâthere are plenty more where that came fromâand even thinking about telling them in a crowd puts a hole in me. Plus, asangry as I get at my father, something in me wants to protect him from the outside world.
Mr. Nak is one of those guys who knows stuff, Lar. I mean, knows stuff. Heâs a little Japanese guyâyou probably figured that out from his nameâfrom Texas. He talks like Slim Pickens and dresses like his fashion guru is the Marlboro Man. Iâll bet he doesnât weigh more than a hundred-thirty-five pounds and he couldnât be five and a half feet tall, but peculiar as he may beâwhich is pretty peculiar if you believe half of what you hearâheâs got this confidence . I donât know about you, Lar, being a guy who has interviewed Dustin Hoffman and Cher and G. Gordon Liddy without breaking a sweat, but guys who can look inside you scare the hell out of me. You never know when theyâll come out and say what they see. I canât tell you how much Iâm afraid of looking bad. The loons I know in Anger Management arenât afraid of anything. Those guys will divide up my belongings if they see what Iâm really like. Being uneasy in front of people makes me feel out of control, and when I feel that way I do things I would never do when Iâm okay. More than anything, I hate feeling foolish.
Like with Redmond. Hell, I knew I had two suspensions. I knew what happens when you get three, and I knew I was mixing it up with the one guy whoâd go out of his way togive me the third, but when he started repeating my name like some ridiculous mantra, I felt every kid in the room staring at the humongous wuss inside me, and it was exactly like that day with my dad; I didnât care what Redmond did to me.
Not that school itself is a big deal, but I really do like Mr. Sâs Journalism class, and I need to graduate. Plus, Iâve been lifting and working out pretty hard and Iâm not looking that badâstill on the scrawny side, maybeâand I think thereâs an off chance I might be able to snag me a girlfriend if I could stay around long enough to build up a little rep. I donât want to lose all that.
Another thing: When I get freaked and go off on a guy