I'm Not Her Read Online Free PDF Page A

struggling not to cry.
    “Sorry,” she says. “I know I’m being a bitch.”
    I secretly agree but say nothing and listen as she inhales deep and fast. It’s so quiet in the car, I try to think of something to say, something to make her feel better, but I have no idea what that is.
    “If you thought you were going to die…I mean, if there was a good chance that you only had a little while to live, what would you do?” she asks, her voice quiet, serious.
    “You’re not going to die, Kristina.” I wiggle around on my seat, afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know she needs someone to talk to but I don’t know the words to give her.
    She stares at me for a minute, and then shakes her head as if I’m letting her down and picks up her phone. She starts texting a message.
    “Um,” I start to say. “What are you doing?”
    “Talking to someone who isn’t afraid to say what’s on their mind.”
    I clear my throat and try again. “I’d, uh…well, if I was going to die, I mean, I’d…” I try to answer her question but stop, not able to think of what I want to say.
    “Seriously, Tess? You have no idea?” She rolls her eyes at me and then focuses back on the message she’s texting, tapping her fingers on the keyboard like I’m not even there.
    I bite my lip and stare out the window at the white house. There’s a huge front lawn with two stone lion statues at the entrance to a triple-car garage. Mom would hate those statues too. Tacky, she’d say.
    It’s still light outside, but the street lights flicker and turn on. We’re at the point where summer is behind us and fall is coming, but it’s not quite here yet. The leaves on the big trees lining the street are changing from green to burnt orange, giving up, and dropping to the ground.
    Kristina giggles and I look back at her. She’s looking down at the message from whomever she’s been texting. The pain in her eyes doesn’t match the smile on her face.
    “Will you wait here?” she asks and giggles again.
    “What?”
    She smiles, as if I’m precious or slow, and then reaches over and pats my arm. “Just for a little while.” She pulls the keys out of the ignition and hands them to me. “There’s a 7-11 a couple of blocks that way.” She’s talking in a singsong voice that sounds on the verge of hysteria. She points to the right. “You could walk over and get yourself something fattening to eat.” She pulls a five-dollar bill from her pocket and hands it to me.
    I stare at the money in my hand. “What?” I repeat.
    “This is Devon’s house.” She runs her hand through her bangs.
    I look over at the big house. “It’s white.”
    “I’m not Mom, I don’t care,” Kristina snaps and then takes a deep breath and clears her throat. “I’m going to go inside, talk to him for a while.” Her giggle-snort confuses me. “His parents are out, so would you mind, I mean, I’d like it if you’d stay and wait. I won’t be long. I just want to talk to Devon.”
    Like I have a choice. We’re miles from home and even though I’m holding the car keys, I’m not licensed to drive.
    “Why him?” I ask. I wonder why she’s not turning to Gee or one of the other volleyball girls, or if she’s afraid to be less than perfect in front of them. Even now. With something this big.
    “He’s the one I always talk to about things. I mean, I did.” She grabs the rearview mirror, points it to her face, and opens her mouth, checking out her teeth. “It won’t take long. By the time you get back from the 7-11, I should be ready to go.”
    I want to tell her no. I have no desire to hang out and wait while she confides in her old boyfriend instead of me. It deepens my sense of sister fail. And kind of pisses me off.
    “I can talk to you,” I spit out, but I’m clearly out of my element.
    “It’s okay,” she says, and actually pats my hand, like I’m a little kid.
    I nod, because what else can I do? She steps out and closes the door, and I watch