If Only in My Dreams Read Online Free PDF Page A

Jason for the first time since he left.
    Or maybe…
    No, it isn’t Jason she misses. It’s the relationship itself. The intimacy of a real relationship. She misses coming home to somebody; misses knowing that she is the most important person in somebody’s world; misses crawling into bed beside a warm body every night.
    But not Jason’s.
    No, their romance had long since run its course when she finally found the guts to call it quits. In theory, he should have been Mr. Right: the perfect complement to her theatrical lifestyle. He was the product of a solid small-town family, had a stable corporate job, believed in marriage, and children… in that order.
    On paper, he was everything she had ever wanted. She knew, because in the midst of her soul-searching about him last spring, she made a list of pros and cons.
    The only con was one that, in the end, she couldn’t live with. Or rather, it was something she couldn’t live without.
    Passion.
    The initial sparks that brought them together lasted only a few months.
    Yet somehow, waning chemistry didn’t stop Clara from moving in with him or accepting his proposal and a hefty diamond last Christmas.
    She craved stability; Jason provided it.
    Which is why
, she tells herself sternly,
you’re thinking of him now
.
    Now, when she’s feeling like a kite caught up in a tornado, with a tether that’s frayed to a thread and about to snap, Jason would be able to bring her back down to earth. Levelheaded, logical Jason would hold her steady through the long night ahead. Through the many long nights that surely lie ahead.
    But cancer isn’t a good reason to get back together
, Clara tells herself sternly.
It’s probably the worst, most desperate reason there is
.
    Stoically, she reminds herself that she chose to be alone when she set him free. Alone is what she is, and alone is where she’ll stay. At least, for the time being.
    Alone sucks
, she thinks glumly.
    Maybe if it weren’t the holiday season…
    Yes, and maybe if I weren’t scared to death that, despite what Dr. Svensen says, this might be the last Christmas I’ll ever have.
…
    Well, maybe she’d feel stronger than she does now. Stronger, and less needy.
    When the going gets tough, though, the tough don’t curl up and cry. They steel themselves for whatever lies ahead, and they fight.
    I’ll fight tomorrow
, Clara decides, as the tears begin to fall at last.
Tonight, I’ll curl up and cry
.

CHAPTER 2

    T wo days later, it’s official: Clara will be spending Christmas alone in New York.
    She called Florida yesterday when she knew her mother would be at her weekly holistic cooking class and broke the news to her stepfather that she wouldn’t be able to get away for Christmas.
    Stan was disappointed, but said he understood how important this movie was to her.
    “We’ll miss you, but we know you’ll be spending the holiday doing something that makes you so happy, even if it is work,” he said, and it was all Clara could do not to burst into tears.
    Since then, she’s screened two calls from her mother, who sounds teary and wants to talk. She hasn’t returned them yet. She can’t. She doesn’t trust herself not to break down and tell her mother the real reason she can’t come.
    She’s tentatively scheduled the lumpectomy for the week before Christmas, with endless rounds of tests between nowand then. She has also met with the breast surgeon, the oncologist, the radiologist.
    Later tonight, back in Manhattan, she’s going to her standing weekly appointment with her regular therapist. She’s been seeing Karen for years, ever since her parents decided she needed help dealing with the divorce.
    Karen became her trusted confidante. And yes, there are times when Clara’s relationship with her feels more personal than professional.
    But of course, they never cross that invisible doctor-patient line.
    Nobody knows Clara like Karen does. She helped her process not just her parents’ divorce, but, through