If I Die Read Online Free PDF

“So…how’d he take it?”
    I can do this . It didn’t have to be either-or, right? I could listen like a friend and still dig for answers like…um…an ill-fated amateur detective trying to solve one last case before she kicks the proverbial bucket. Right?
    Danica wadded her tissue in one hand, then dropped it onto her lap. “At first he just looked at me, like he wasn’t sure he’d heard me right. Then he got this awful heartbroken look, like I’d told him I murdered his puppy. Then he just turned around and walked right out the door without a word.” She sighed and tossed the tissue toward the can, where it landed a foot and a half shy. “The only visitor I’ve had, until you, and he leaves hating me. But I guess I deserve that.”
    Her only visitor? “Your parents didn’t come?”
    “My mom’s…sick. And my dad won’t talk to me. The doctor told him what happened, and he left without even coming in to say hi. Because, you know, the shame is contagious.”For a moment, biting sarcasm eclipsed the obvious pain in her voice, and I found myself hating a father who wasn’t mine. A man I’d never met. “And now I’ve lost Max, too. And I don’t even know how this happened!”
    “You don’t…?” I started, brows raised, but Danica rolled her tear-reddened eyes.
    “I mean, I know how it happened. I just can’t figure out why . I remember…getting pregnant. But I can’t remember what I was thinking . I don’t do things like that. I love Max, and I can’t remember why I was willing to throw him away for one stupid night….”
    “It was just one night?” I said, stunned by the thought that a single mistake could throw her whole life into chaos.
    Danica nodded miserably. “Less than that, really. It was just a couple of hours about a month ago. Afterward I tried to put it behind me and move on, but every time I see him, I want him all over again, even though I hate myself for what I did to Max. How horrible does that make me?” She covered her face with both hands. “Why can’t I get him out of my head?”
    I waited, hoping she’d let a name slip, but when her hands fell, she only stared at the wall across from her bed, shoulders slumped, eyes starting to lose focus. Maybe she was a little medicated after all.
    “Did you know you were pregnant?” I whispered, wondering if I’d worn out my welcome. She looked like she wanted to go back to sleep for a long, long time.
    Danica nodded slowly. “I found out last week. That was the only bright spot.” She blinked, then faced me again. “I was going to keep it. I don’t know how—my dad would rather kick me out than claim a bastard grandchild—but I would have found a way. Then this morning, I passed out in first period and woke up in the hospital, and bam, my whole life’sruined.” She let the tears fall that time, and they rolled down her face to drip on the white blanket.
    I leaned forward, hurting for her and desperate to help. But I was in over my head. I had no experience with peer counseling, and no matter what Sabine had to say about my inexperience and naivety, I wasn’t exactly a shining example of the adolescent ideal. Just ask my dad.
    “Your life isn’t ruined, Danica,” I insisted, scrambling for something to support that statement. “Max might get over this, if you tell him how much he means to you. And even if he doesn’t, you have a whole lifetime to decide who you want to be with, and if you want kids later, you can…”
    “No, I can’t.” Danica stared down at her fingers, shredding a second tissue all over the bedspread, and the flat, dead quality of her voice sent chills through me. “I can’t have kids, Kaylee. Not anymore. Whatever went wrong with this one ruined it for the rest of them.”
    Ohh …
    I leaned back in my chair, devastated for her and stunned beyond words.
    “I know I wasn’t ready,” Danica began, and this time her voice was alive with bitter pain. “It was probably stupid of me to