If All Else Fails Read Online Free PDF Page B

shock in
chest, and she fell over backwards like stacked deck. She still screaming, getting all out of it
she can.
    The tourist alarm
rang. Stonecloud sit down to wait. The fix it or forget it machine roll in, and scoop up body,
also give floor wash and wax job and count cracks in ceiling. It keep busy. Help take mind off
tourists. They all pain in processor. Machine start processing, adding short pithy mes­sage on
cellular-level sponsor by CITIZENS FOR DECENT LITERATURE.
    It take time, and
Stonecloud, he impatient as lamppost-leaning girl in forty day and forty night of rain. So he
have plenty time to think. He think first he going to make bigtime cash deposit to restaurant
first, so time he hungry all he do is walk in, sit down, and eat like stupidness. He all for
stupidness; go easy on the eggs and no Philadelphia. He al­ways have it in for
Philadelphia.
    Then next he going
to head to toe, clothes to eyepop women and make all go tongue snap. And he thinking how he is
going to buy and sell everyone and then he feel like dance and that when he notice remembering
his shoes. He look down at feet. He not dance.
    Stonecloud sitting
there in marble-shooter position num­ber seven, and then there is this tapping on his shoulder
like touch of gay sparrow. Stonecloud look up and see white-man tourist with brown socks and
checkered pants.
    "Isn't this
something! Isn't this just something!" says thq tourist, says this white-man tourist bumping
cameras off his chest.
    "Isn't?" ask
Stonecloud.
    "Me and the Mrs.
drove up from Philadelphia to see some of these aliens. I tell you this, this is really
something!"
    "Well, suck an old
dog," say Stonecloud, "is nothing to covet outhouses over!"
    The tourist guy is
bouncing around, snapping snapshots, yelling off somewhere for someone named Gladys and snap snap
snap, pictures of sky and knees and Stonecloud and ground and mostly shots of alien female in
clutches of fix it or forget it machine.
    "Don't you just
think it is incredible, I mean, they come all the way here, I mean, all the way to Earth, pay to
come here, pay to get shot. I mean, what a bunch of alien freaks! I mean, ain't it incredible!
Isn't that truly unbelievable?"
    Stonecloud pinch up
his face in gesture of disgust and fa­cial snarl of overfamiliarity, and he say nothing like
vacuum cleaner doing his tongue.
    "She's gonna come
out of the machine soon!" squeals the tourist excitedly. "Oh Jesus! I'm out of film. What a God­damn time to run out of ...
Gladys! Gladys!"
    "Christopher
Columbus was absolute nut tourist tool Goddamn crazy man! He not know horses about camera or good
guns, but he have crotch disease go like last souvenirs before the desert," say Stonecloud. "Wish
to groundhog we could have . . ."
    The white tourist
go run off yelling for Gladys and film, and Stonecloud relieved to see him go as would be to wake
up in morning and find he not in Philadelphia. Stonecloud all time thinking how tourist season is
get too big to ride sidesaddle as now tourists are coming to see tourists being tourists. Pretty
soon be shooting himself as tourist, think Stonecloud.
    Fix it or forget it
machine is taking one forever. Just as Stonecloud getting ready to bite down on impatience so
hard he give gums flesh wounds, along come white woman; must be Gladys 'cause she got film
cartridges in one hand and is dressed up looking like sack of concrete and liquid laundry
detergent container. She rumpled like milk sitting too long on radiator.
    "Where is the
aliens? Where is the freaks? Where is Frank?" she say, sputtering like outboard motor, put put
put.
    "Where is ...
?"
    She is starting
again and Stonecloud, by god, fed up with whole donkey. No where is said he got to feel like
inside of doughnut for two sets of tourist. He jumps at her and leers at her and waves gun in her
face, and she look at him like she in a hurry and he is double-parked in her space.
    She ignore him
complete as she