I Confess Read Online Free PDF Page A

came to the same conclusion."
    "Namely?"
    "Nothing. They diagnosed it as an anxiety neurosis."
    "Aha." He smiled. "And that's what it will probably turn out to be. You take only pills for the pain?"
    "That's aU."
    "What do you take?"
    I told him. He nodded again. "Mr. Chandler, did they ever x-ray you? I mean your head?"
    "No. Never." I looked at him, alarmed. "Why? Do you think "
    "We don't think anything, Mr. Chandler. It's much too

    early to think anything." He hesitated, then, smiling gently, '*I want to be candid with you."
    "Please."
    **Your wife is very upset. She seems to have heard that symptoms like yours may, under certain circumstances—I repeat—^under certain circumstances, indicate serious changes in the—^hm—^brain, which is why she begged us to give you a thorough examination."
    "Changes? What sort of changes?"
    "It doesn't have to be, Mr. Chandler, I assure you. In most cases the examination shows the absolute harmless-ness of the symptoms."
    "Yes, yes, yes," I said. "What changes?"
    "And even if things turn out to be not so harmless, modern surgery makes it simple. . . ."
    "Dear God in heaven— what changesT^
    "A growth," said Dr. Eulenglas.
    "You mean—a tumor?"
    He nodded. "Yes, Mr. Chandler, that's what I mean.**
    For a while it was quiet in the room. Eulenglas was watching me closely. "You wanted to know, Mr. Chandler," he said at last, "and I have told you. I want to say again—it could be; it doesn't have to be. In most cases of this kind . .."
    "All right, all right...."
    "It really is nothing but a precautionary measure," he went on, as if I hadn't interrupted him, "// you agree to the examination, a matter of personal assurance.'*
    "Yes, yes," I said.

    ^TNfow that we have talked about it, I would advise the examination, which should give you certainty. So that you don't carry all sorts of dire possibilities around with you in your subconscious."
    "My wife, you said, asked for the examination?'*
    "Yes. She is very worried."
    "How long does it take?"
    "You'll have to stay with us three or four days."
    "Does it hurt? I'm a coward."
    "It doesn't hurt, Mr. Chandler. It is a complicated examination but you will feel no pain. We want to take an encephalogram."
    I had heard the word somewhere. I couldn't connect anything good with it.
    "Encephalogram?"
    "An electro-encephalogram," he said soothingly, stressing the first syllables.
    "What's the difference?"
    "Years ago an encephalogram was made by blowing air into the patient's brain and drawing certain conclusions from that."
    "Horrible!"
    "I must admit it was a very unpleasant and by no means always safe procedure. On the other hand, with an electro-encephalogram, the examination is innocuous and no danger to the patient at all."
    "You're a good psychologist."
    "What makes you say that?"
    "Because you want to calm my fears of the second method by denigrating the first."
    He smiled and replied that he was not exaggerating. The new method was painless and purely routine. Then he asked me if I was agreed to the examination.
    I said, "Of course." What else could I say? If I didn't get a clear opinion now from an expert in the field, it would be an end to my peace of mind.
    "Very good," he said, and rose. "Then I'll inform your wife of your decision and I'll come to see you this after-

    noon with Professor Vogt." He nodded and left the room. Ten minutes later the pretty nurse brought in the huge luncheon I had ordered. I ate very little of it. My appetite was gone. I rang and let the nurse take away the tray. Then I called Clayton at the office.
    "Hello, hello, hello!" he cried jovially.
    "Morning, Joe," I said.
    Clayton couldn't speak a word of German. The only thing he had learned were the various forms of greeting. He was a fat, rosy-cheeked businessman who had had something to do with the steel industry during the war in the course of which he had won the confidence of several corporations that had profited hugely in the early forties. At war's