I Am Automaton: A Military Science Fiction Novel Read Online Free PDF

rest of my life.”
    “Peter, I’m not going to bullshit you. You were squad commander. You were responsible for those men. Now, I can say that it wasn’t your fault that the Navajas knew you were coming. But that wouldn’t change what happened or how you feel about it.”
    Peter began to tense his hands and clench his jaw. “No, it wouldn’t.”
    “In fact, it would probably just piss you off.”
    “Yes, it would.”
    “And it would be equally ridiculous to remind you that as a soldier in the United States Army, there is the distinct statistical probability that any of your squad will or will not make it back from any given mission.”
    He was now gripping the arms of his chair. “Yes, it would.”
    “And why would that be ridiculous, Peter?”
    “Because it wouldn’t help me fix anything.”
    “It wouldn’t bring back your friend, Delroy.”
    His eyes were welling up. She could see the sadness of loss and heat of vengeance in his glare.
    “So what do I do, Doc? What can I do?”
    She now leaned forward, meeting the intensity of his eyes with determination in hers. “What would you like to do?”
    Peter was now visibly attempting to control his feelings. “Permission to speak freely.”
    “Peter, you can say anything you want in here.”
    “I know you report to Major Lewis, so I want him to hear this.”
    She nodded in encouragement.
    “I want to kill the bastards. I want to hunt every single one of them down. I want to burn their entire drug running operation to the ground. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
    She paused thoughtfully, letting his words hang out in the air. It was important to let his own words register with him.
    “You’re not ready yet.”
    The digital curtains and paintings glitched.
    “I know; I have to complete my physical therapy.”
    “I wasn’t referring to your physical recuperation.”
    “Oh, here it comes. So I’m not psychologically ready.”
    She leaned back in her chair, her voice now softer but firm. “Peter, you’re very angry and looking for revenge, and you haven’t dealt with the loss yet.”
    Peter was growing tired of the psychobabble. “And…”
    “And that would make you dangerous. Dangerous to any soldiers we would put in your charge, particularly for the program that Major Lewis has in mind for you.”
    “Yeah, no one’s exactly told me what this program is actually about. How do I know that I even want to be a part of it?”
    “For the exact reasons that you have just elaborated. You want revenge, but in time, I’d like to modify that motive a bit. Eventually, you can come to the conclusion that it is important that your men…your friend, Delroy Apone…didn’t die for nothing.”
    Peter nodded in agreement.
    “Right now your vengeance makes you reckless, impulsive. You would run into any fight to exact your revenge. But it has to be about more than that.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I mean that it has to become more than about you and your guilt and making yourself feel better.”
    He stood up out of his chair, shaking. The paintings distorted momentarily. “How dare you imply that I’m being selfish.”
    She stood and met his gaze. “So far, all I’ve heard about is how you feel. How sad you are. How angry you are. How you miss your friend.”
    “What the hell else am I supposed to say?”
    “It’s not all what you say, Peter. What are you going to do? Are you going to deal with your loss and move on so that you can do the right thing for your men and your country?”
    Peter slowly lowered himself into his seat. He had never thought of it that way before. She was right. He couldn’t just return to Mexico, guns blazing, shooting up the place.
    His men in Tijuana deserved more, and if he were to return, the new soldiers in his charge would deserve more too. They deserved a CO who would have a clear head and show good judgment.
    “And…how do I go about doing this?”
    Captain London sat down and smiled. “You’ve already begun.