I am America (and so can you!) Read Online Free PDF Page A

Stared.
    12:30 to 1:45: Embroidered a slip for my pillow—singular.
    2:00: A visit from the postman! The fall issue of Cat Fancy is here!
    2:15 to 7:00: Fancied my cats in accordance with latest cat-fancying trends.

    7:30: The neighborhood children threw rocks at “ Fearsome Grierson’s” door. I wanted to shout at them, “That doesn’t even rhyme!” but instead, I watched silently from behind the shutters. They will get theirs...
    7:40: ...And How!
    8:00 to 9:00 pm: Updated will. Professor Snugglepuss is in for a wonderful surprise.
    The other cats will have to understand.
    9:00 pm: Lights out! Good night, my feline companions!
    Midnight: …Goodnight, Horace.
    FUN
ZONE
    OPTICAL ILLUSION
    Look at your brunette wife for a very, very, very long time.
    Then shift your gaze over your fence to the neighbor’s backyard. Do you see a hot, young blonde? I recommend you don’t!

    fig 4. S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

    C H A P T E R 2
O L D P E O P L E
    “Hope I die before I get old.”
    –Pete Townshend, living old person
    FLASH: DID YOU NOTICE HOW BIG
    THE WORD “NEWS” WAS AT THE
    NEWS BEGINNING OF THIS PARAGRAPH?
    I CONSIDERED MAKING ALL THE
    WORDS IN THIS CHAPTER THAT BIG. AND NOT JUST
    BECAUSE I CAN’T THINK OF A QUICKER WAY TO
    FILL 240 PAGES. THAT WAS A JOKE, IN CASE YOU
    couldn’t tell. I don’t blame you if you couldn’t. Can’t tell if someone’s making a joke if you can’t see that person’s face. Big reason I don’t like books. No faces. Can’t tell when they’re being funny.
    Being Funny
    Point is, I’m writing about seniors here, and old folks can’t read anything that’s not printed in a 30-point font or above. To them, this paragraph looks like an ant fight. Sad thing is, if they try to use a magnifying glass, the page catches on fire. I’ve always thought someone should fix that about magnifying glasses. Why not call it a
    “magna-frying
    Major design flaw.
    glass?”
    Anyway, even though seniors can’t make out most of the words in this book, I thank them for reading it.
    21
    I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
    Thank you for reading
    this, seniors.
    If seniors could read this,
    I would thank them
    here, too. I must say, writing a whole chapter directed at seniors is a waste of time. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks—they’re too tired. Plus, they’re from the library card generation. They share books. They don’t believe in buying multiple collectors’ copies, no matter what kind of rare, bizarre misprint appears in the first edition
    . No disrespect, but old people are
    useless to me. So, this chapter is now re-directed at all of you not-yet-seniors. Plus : Since seniors can’t read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards.
    See? No angry letters. By now, some of the older readers out there are probably thinking, “What’s that Colbert boy going on about?” Let’s not forget about them.
    It is the duty
    of all Americans
    to respect and
    cherish our elders.
    GUT SPEAKING: “An old man is a repository of failed ideas.”
    —Johann Goethe, a German writer
    I made this quote up.
    22
O L D P E O P L E
    SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT SENIORS
    •
    They are the Greatest Generation. No other generation in history has ever been quite so willing to be poor, fight wars, or have babies.
    •
    They were alive in the Good Old Days. They’re living testament to a time when America was #1, and so was butterscotch.
    •
    My Mom is one of them. If you have a problem with old folks, you have a problem with my Mom. So let me ask you, punk, do you have a problem with my Mom? ’Cause I’d love hear about it!
    I love
    •
    They are often forgiven for racial intolerance.
    you,
    NOW THE BAD NEWS: After criminals and babies, seniors are the most coddled segment of the population. They have everything given to them, from Mom. pensions to discount meals to help crossing the street. And despite all they get, they complain.
    NEWS FLASH: It’s not seniors’ fault that