I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class Read Online Free PDF

Ollie.”
     
    “And I don’t need any silly presents,” says Mom. She grabs our hands. “I’ve got everything I want right here!”
     
    “Exactly,” says Daddy, as he slips his hand out of hers. “Your mother has everything she could possibly desire.”
     
    This is not strictly true. I know for a fact she wants a new dishwasher and a rather lavish new Easter bonnet. She’s also fond of expensive chocolates and porcelain statues of baby animals. In fact, it’s precisely so Daddy could buy her these things that I had one of my minions offer him a job today. 29
     
    But that was a miscalculation. Because one of the great perks of Daddy’s job is that it allows him to turn down other, better jobs. Then he gets to feel completely righteous and upright, and brag about it at the dinner table—with the end result being that Mom congratulates him for keeping her deprived. My life is a torture chamber of ironies.
     
    Someone has started a motorboat engine under the table. Daddy looks annoyed: “For God’s sake, Ollie, do something about that dog.”
     
    I look down. The rumbling is coming from Lollipop. She glares with cold hatred at Daddy. Her tongue hangs out of her mouth like an animal she’s just caught and killed. Maybe she didn’t like the way he stopped holding hands with Mom. Or maybe she sensed that I didn’t like it.
     
    “ Galtzazpiko ,” I whisper. Instantly, Lolli stops growling and shambles out of the room. My father smiles like he’s won a great victory. He won’t be smiling so much when he finds the present I just told Lolli to leave him in his underwear drawer.
     
    “Who wants banana pudding?” asks Mom.
     
    My father pats his belly and gets up. “No thank you, dear. I think we’re all pretty full.” He gives me a meaningful look. “ Right , Oliver? We’ve all had plenty to eat.”
     
    I am too dumb to understand meaningful looks. “I’m still hungry,” I tell him, even though I’m not. Daddy scowls and exits into the living room.
     
    I eat three bowls of pudding without tasting them.

Chapter 6:
    GIRLS CAN BE CRUEL
    “What’s the matter, dork? Don’t you have any ambition?”
     
    The speaker is Tatiana Lopez, Meanest Girl in School. The dork she’s talking to is me. It’s lunchtime, and I’m sitting in my traditional seat at my traditional table, chewing on my traditional fluffernutter sandwich. Tatiana stands across the table, leaning over me, pointing her spiteful little pink fingernails in my face. She’s good at this. Her spine curves and her shoulders hunch forward, so that she seems to lean over everyone she talks to, even when her victim is standing, even though she’s short. It’s magical.
     
    “Mudlark,” I mutter. It’s the codeword I use to tell Pistol, Bardolph, and Nym not to interfere. Tatiana doesn’t scare me. Much.
     
    “What was that, Butterball?”
     
    “Leave him alone, Tati.”
     
    Speaker Number Two is Randy Sparks, the Most Pathetic Boy in School. More pathetic than I am, even—and he’s not doing it on purpose. Randy is one of those unfortunate types who are geeky without being smart. He’s painfully scrawny, wears thick glasses, has greasy skin—but is a low-C-average student at best. Too nerdy to associate with the normals, too stupid to associate with the nerds, Randy is a nation unto himself. I mean, even Pammy Quattlebaum has friends, and she’s a melon-headed suck-up who’s only been at this school a year. They make her do their homework, but still, they’re friends .
     
    Here’s how pathetic Randy Sparks is: He chooses to sit at the same table as me. There are plenty of empty tables around the room, but he chooses to sit with me. I discourage him, 30 over and over again, but he keeps hanging around like a wad of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Revolting. I predict a great future for him in the field of getting-a-dead-end-job-and-dying-alone-and-unmourned.
     
    Tatiana ignores him and keeps her poisonous brown eyes