How to Forgive Even When You Can't Forget Read Online Free PDF Page B

negative emotions, is forgiveness. The only way to get
past resenting someone for something is to forgive that person for
that very thing. As devastating as resentment is, if it is open and
on the surface, it is usually relatively easy to correct once the
resent-er acknowledges his need to forgive and deal honestly with
the resent-ee.
    Hidden or unrecognized resentment
is a thornier issue. Resentment can be a subtle but devastating
obstacle on the road to happiness and self-fulfillment. Unlike
outright anger or contempt, resentment can linger in our thoughts
and on our hearts without us realizing that it is there.
    Because it is harder to spot, some
people will harbor deep resentment toward others without any
conscious knowledge that there is a problem. But when a situation
becomes tense, those old resentments find their way to the surface,
impeding resolution and fueling the fires of conflict.
    If left unchecked, resentment can
linger after the situation is seemingly resolved. Often resentment
will still fester long after apologies are exchanged and all is
superficially forgiven. This concealed resentment poses a real
danger to our happiness.
    The first step to releasing the
negative emotion and moving toward happiness is recognizing that
there is a problem. There are three common signs of concealed
resentment: distrust, questioning motives, and
bitterness.
    Someone holding on to resentment
will often demonstrate an unfounded distrust and suspicion of the
other person, sometimes without consciously realizing it. It may be
in matters completely unrelated to the initial incident.
    A Real World Example
    Say two teenagers, Janie and
Susie, have a conflict over who misplaced Susie’s favorite
hairbrush. They may make up. They may apologize. They may appear to
move on completely.
    But if Susie holds on to her
resentment, believing deep down that Janie really did take her
hairbrush, that resentment may boil over into other matters
altogether. She may hold Janie accountable for more than her fair
share of their homework project; she may think Janie is making
advances on Susie’s boyfriend. Resentment often spills over into
completely unrelated things in just this fashion.
    If there is a lingering
resentment, it could show up in any interaction between the two,
even if it is completely unrelated to the original issue. In fact,
many times it is more likely to come up elsewhere because Susie
feels secretly ashamed for still resenting Janie after they made
up.
    Fixed Attention
    Another common sign of unsettled
resentment is an unusual level of attention to the other person’s
motives in mundane actions. This is really a manifestation of
projecting one’s own feelings of displeasure onto the other person.
Going back to the previous example of Susie and Janie, Susie may
think that Janie is suddenly acting “fake”. Susie finds herself
questioning if Janie really meant it when she said she liked her
earrings, or the real reason that Janie offered to drive them to
the mall.
    The motive behind the other
person’s actions becomes more and more suspect as time goes on.
Soon, the offender is simply assumed to be duplicitous in
everything. Resentment like this can ruin a relationship quickly if
it is not dealt with properly.
    Signs of Bitterness
    The third sign is simply a certain
sourness or bitterness that shows itself whenever the other person
is around, though it may not necessarily be overtly directed at
that person. Many times resentment couples with the previously
mentioned sense of shame when a person knows that they should not
feel that way.
    The result can be an unfocused,
unproductive sense of bitterness every time the other person is
around. Because the bitterness has become detached from the real
issue that sparked the resentment, it has no real focus and we tend
to lash out at anyone in the vicinity.
    This presents a great danger to
our happiness because it affects not only our already troubled
relationship, but our other