How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country Read Online Free PDF Page A

state under President Madison, who made him secretary of war when the War of 1812 broke out. Monroe resigned his old job, but no one took over so he just said, “Fuck it, I’ll do both.” He continued doing the duties of secretary of state while formulating offensive battle strategies as secretary of war until a peace treaty was signed, after which he resigned his war position and went back to having just one incredibly difficult job.
    Monroe continued his streak of awesomeness into the presidency. For starters, he delivered a speech that was written by John Q. Adams that Monroe called the “Monroe Doctrine,” because that’s one of the things you get to do when you’re president. The Monroe Doctrine basically said, “Dear Europe, stay the hell away from me and stop touching my stuff. If I see your faces around North or South America, I will come at you with everything I’ve got, God Bless America, these colors don’t run, land of the free home of the brave go fuck yourself USA USA USA!” Monroe explained that any European presence on his soil would be viewed as an act of war, and at that point America had a pretty good track record for going to war with Great Britain, so Britain took Monroe’s “Get off my lawn” speech to heart and stayed away.
    Even though Adams wrote the speech, it was a perfect fit for Monroe, who refused to be pushed around or intimidated his entire life. At one point during his presidency, he had a dinner for visiting foreign diplomats. One of them somehow offended another, so they rushed off to another room to lift their swords and duel. Monroe—as president—grabbed his own sword and joined them. He took up arms and yelled at them until they worked out their differences and went home, because goddammit can’t we have just
one dinner
where everyone isn’t trying to kill everyone else?
    A few months later, Monroe’s secretary of the treasury, William Crawford, barged into Monroe’s office and demanded high-ranking jobs for his buddies. President Monroe asked for time to think it over and Crawford got mad and said he refused to leave the office until Monroe agreed. Monroe decided instead to flip out, grab a set of fireplace tongs, and shout, “You will
now
leave the room or you will be thrust out.” It’s not clear what he would have
done
with those tongs, but the fact that he grabbed them must mean that he had
some
kind of plan, and this author is too terrified to even speculate.
    Something with the guy’s balls, maybe? That would’ve been the worst.
    Great Britain’s decision to get off America’s back also gave Monroe an opportunity to help America grow. It can be said that lots of presidents gave America her metaphorical balls (Washington withhis confidence, Teddy with his toughness, Lyndon Johnson with his enormous set of genitalia), but only Monroe can boast giving America her
actual
dick, when he purchased Florida from Spain. Monroe thought, “Truly, America is a majestic and inspiring thing of beauty, and yet I cannot help but feel that a mighty, swinging dong would really bring the whole place together,” and America’s been proudly waving that thing at passersby ever since.

    As you prepare for your fight with President Monroe, remember to work his left shoulder. That’s where he was shot, and that bullet stayed there throughout Monroe’s whole life (most modern doctors recommend taking bullets
out
of the body). Avoid his punches, which will likely be very painful (he was tall and rugged, and everyone whomet him talked about his “great physical strength and endurance”). If the fight comes down to a battle of wits, you could probably outsmart him. Monroe was a good president, but he simply wasn’t gifted with a brilliant mind, like Adams or Jefferson or you (hopefully). He was described by Aaron Burr as “incompetent … naturally dull and stupid … extremely illiterate … indecisive to a degree that would be incredible to one who did not know