How I Got to Be Whoever It Is I Am Read Online Free PDF Page A

was then called), even though
     it had the reputation of having one of the best drama departments in the country. It was in Pittsburgh, but I never even considered
     it. I can only assume that, having just lost my dad, I wanted to be around my best friend.
    He graduated six months ahead of me and told me there was a dean from Pittsburgh at the University of Miami, and after a semester
     he felt I would be given a scholarship. I didn’t even question how that would happen. I just applied, got in, and went in
     September 1953.
    Even though I wasn’t really aware of it, after my dad’s passing everything changed. I should have realized things were different,
     because I began to mess up in ways I never had before. I had graduated in February and wasn’t starting college for about six
     months, so I got a job at a local Buick dealership. I was a car jockey, which meant I was to drive new Buicks into different
     empty spaces in the huge showroom. I had never driven a car that went forward just by putting it in drive without touching
     the accelerator, so after denting a few new Buicks, I was told they wouldn’t need me on Friday. This was on a Thursday, so
     I asked, “Should I come in on Monday?” The answer was a simple no. Looking back, it was a very kind firing. A while later
     I was fired from a Mary Jane shoe store in Miami because I couldn’t find the shoes my female customer was wearing when she
     walked in! Talk about being preoccupied.
    Ironically, my relationship with my friend began to unravel because I was no longer willing to look up to anyone. I guess
     I felt I had to take charge of everything in my life. I never looked down on anyone, but now I no longer looked up to anyone,
     either.
    We were driving to the University of Miami in September. A third fella from another high school in Pittsburgh whom we had
     just met and who was to be a roommate was with us. My friend and I got into what began as a slight disagreement about, of
     all things, the color of the car in front of us. One of us felt it was dark green and the other black.
    If we’d had disagreements in the past, and frankly I don’t remember any, I would concede the point, because, after all, he
     was the chief, but this time I didn’t. The dynamic of the friendship shifted right there over a meaningless disagreement about
     the color of a car. We drove the rest of the way to Florida pretty much in silence. The other kid looked on, I’m sure, baffled.
    The three of us moved into an off-campus apartment. The other guy and I became buddies, and my former closest friend and I
     barely spoke. Quite simply, I no longer saw him as in charge, and we had lost what he must have seen as that essential condition.
    I now know I was in a depression after my dad died, but I didn’t realize it then. I should have found it unusual that I, who
     had always been a happy kid, was suddenly staring into space for long periods of time. Worse, on more than one occasion I
     remember swimming far out in the Atlantic Ocean alone, with no one around. Unconsciously, I was being self-destructive. I
     mean, that’s where the sharks are.
    I had one date at this so-called playboy school, the University of Miami, and I still had yet to kiss a girl, at least as
     far as I remember. Because of my depression, I had no interest in anything, including girls. Ellen Burstyn writes in her memoir
     that the first time I kissed her onstage in
Same Time, Next Year
… well, let’s just say she found it memorable. I had no idea I had so much to offer.
    Three things happened at the university that were good signs for my future show-business endeavors.
    All incoming freshman were given information about the university—kind of an orientation test. There was no grade, but they
     did announce that out of around a thousand students, only one got a perfect score. Young Chuck Grodin was now working hard
     at everything, and that’s obviously essential if you want to be successful, whatever