How I Conquered Your Planet Read Online Free PDF

into – the
one with the space aliens and the maps.
    This was important information. It had to be reported to the
police.
    I thanked my hard-working friends, ducked a few final
sledge-hammer blows and started for the police station. The Gremlin closed up
his desk and followed me.
    “ I wish to report that we’re being overrun by aliens from
another planet,” I told two bored detectives.
    “ Is that so? Which planet?”
    “ Uh…”
    “ C’mon, we haven’t got all day.”
    “ Don’t you work here all day?”
    “ Wise guy, eh? What’s that got to do with it?” He turned to his
partner. “Wise guy. Asking us if we work here all day. Thinks that means we’ve
got all the time in the world.”
    “ Wise guys are like that, chief. He’s got a point though, hasn’t
he chief? We do have to be here all day, whether he hurries up or not. All day
tomorrow too.”
    “ In theory, yes, but…”
    I broke into this discussion impatiently. “Our entire military
industrial complex is being compromised.”
    “ By who?”
    “ Well… by me, actually. But I’m not the ringleader. I’m just a
stooge.”
    I described all the things I’d been doing for my clients. The
cops’ eyes narrowed.
    “ How did they get you to do these awful things you said you have
done?”
    “ Well, they paid me handsomely.”
    “ Is that all someone has to do to get you to break the law? Pay
you?”
    “ Well, that’s the first thing they have to do. There might be
some other stipulations. Working conditions and so on.”
    Then I started telling them about Arthur Gremlin and the
strange things I’d seen at the meeting in the magic shop. But before I could
get very far into my story, I found myself stuffing billy clubs and police
badges into my mouth. Then my mouth snapped closed and appeared to slowly zip
itself shut. I yanked part of my mouth open and tried to keep talking, but my
mouth kept biting my hand and threatening me.
    The cops watched with that kind of deadpan watchful look cops
have, as I rolled around on the floor, fighting with my own mouth. Finally I
hit my mouth hard enough to disable it and it just hung there loosely. But I
couldn’t talk anymore. Nobody wanted me to anyway. We’d all had enough.
    The Gremlin was outside the police station, watching me as I
came out, pulling police equipment out of my mouth. He didn’t look happy. I
didn’t care. I wasn’t happy either. Neither were the cops. Nobody was happy
today.
    As I walked home, with my mouth muttering apologies I wouldn’t
listen to, I saw a sign shaped like an arrow. It was pointing to a door.
Written on the arrow was the word “Clues”. Of course a detective can’t pass up
clues. Clues are gold. Even if you can’t use them yourself, you can always
trade them to other detectives or send them in to Detective’s Weekly for a
chance to win a prize. A box of sea monkeys or something. I checked to make
sure there wasn’t a sign that said “Trap”, then opened the door and walked in.
    The moment I got into the room, the door slammed shut and was
bolted from the outside.
    I tried to get it open, but it wouldn’t budge. I looked around
the room. It was filled with people seated in rows facing a stewardess. I
recognized some of them. Former clients of mine. “Hiya Merko, Professor
Future.”
    They looked up at me, then went back to their in-flight
magazines.
    Suddenly the room shuddered and began to rise into the air
making outer-spacey sounds and emitting sparks.
    Then the captain came over the intercom saying there would be
no smoking until we had reached our cruising altitude. This was Flight 723 to
Mars.
     

CHAPTER SIX
     
    As the space ship roared up through the stratosphere, I tried
repeatedly to get off. There had been a mistake, I felt. I wasn’t supposed to
be in the stratosphere. I was a ground kind of guy. I was asked several times
by the stewardess to sit down and quit opening the door, as I had caused
several passengers to be sucked out into the