How Hard Can It Be? Read Online Free PDF

. . . thanks.” A compliment is a compliment no matter how insulting.
    “The part that really gets me is when the pirate with scurvy and no fingers on his left hand tries to sew the twins back together. That is just fucking gross.”
    “Is it too gross?” I worried. Maybe that was going a little too far. I had gotten kind of carried away, but when Poppy Harriet’s soda flew out of her nose, I couldn’t stop myself. Maybe I should try stand-up comedy . . .
    “Absolutely not!” Shoshanna bellowed. “I’d go even a little farther. Give him lice or severe halitosis, a clubfoot maybe.”
    “LeHump, that’s gross.”
    “You’re right—” She grinned sheepishly. “I don’t have it like you do.”
    “I’m not real sure that coming up with plots that can bring careers down in flames is ‘having it,’ but thank you.” I still couldn’t find the damn seat belt, but I did find a few rock-hard fries and what may have been a cheeseburger during the 1980s. “LeHump, your car is disgusting.”
    “I’ve been meaning to clean it out. What in the hell are you digging for?”
    “The seat belt.”
    “Oh.” She shrugged guiltily. “I cut them out. Everybody’s doing it.”
    “Oookay.” I didn’t have a comeback for that one, so I simply smiled and nodded. She is nuttier than my Aunt Phyllis, who is convinced there are little people in her TV. I was beginning to wonder about her sanity, as well as my own for getting into her car.
    I told her where I lived and she proceeded to drive like a bat out of hell. I prayed the entire time. I wasn’t particularly religious, but when my life was in danger, I figured it couldn’t hurt.
    “So, we’ll probably do some light housecleaning and possibly bathe her turd-laying, skank-breath rat dogs. Bring your lunch because the viper bitch doesn’t keep food in the house. Oh, wear sweats, but bring a nice outfit. She likes to make us run errands. Don’t ever say no to an errand.”
    My mouth was agape and an icy chill ran up my spine. “Are you serious?” What had I gotten myself into?
    “As a heart attack.” Shoshanna made a gagging sound. I thought she was going to vomit. “Once Joanne refused to drive in a blizzard to get gourmet treats for those shit-eating canines and Evangeline made her scrape her bunions for an hour. That’s the day Joanne started pulling her eyebrows out.”
    “I thought maybe that was a fashion choice.”
    “Oh, God no. She had wonderful bushy eyebrows before the bunion incident.”
    I wasn’t sure I would put the words wonderful and bushy eyebrows together, but I also wouldn’t be caught dead in a lime-green coat driving a light blue minivan. Then again, who was I to judge? I’d been tapped as the girl with career-destroying ideas.
    “Okay, sweats, nice clothes, lunch, and never say no to an errand. I got it. Will we do any writing?” I put my feet up on the dash, hoping it might break the blow from the accident we were sure to have. She’d already run two red lights and flipped off more drivers than I did in an entire month.
    “We’ll sit down with Cecil and dictate to him. She sleeps most of the time when she’s not having procedures done or yelling at us.” LeHump leaned over to turn the heat down and almost swerved into a convenience store.
    “Shoshanna,” I shrieked. I saw my life flash before my eyes and was thankful I was wearing nice underpants. I would hate to die in holey granny panties. My mom would shit a brick.
    “Sorry”—she grinned—“I was getting hot. So anyway, like I was saying . . .”
    “Wait.” I cut her off. This was not making sense to me. “Why are you guys all doing stuff for her? Does she pay you?”
    Shoshanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Not exactly. Let’s just say it’s a business arrangement.”
    “Well that’s fairly cryptic,” I deadpanned.
    “I love that word,” LeHump gushed. “Don’t you love that word?”
    “Sure.” I raised my not bushy brow sarcastically. “Do