Hazards Read Online Free PDF Page B

back to San Palmero right now and get one,” I suggested hopefully.
    “No,” he said. “We’ll simply have to rough it.”
    “What’s on the menu?” I asked as I remembered that I hadn’t had nothing to eat all day and decided that I might as well make the best of my situation.
    “Raoul,” he said.
    Suddenly a handful of nuts and berries started looking mighty good to me. I walked out the door, and found Ramon, Miguel and Felicity waiting for me out there in the rain.
    “I’m surprised to see you,” said Felicity. “Most men who enter the doctor’s house never come out.”
    “At least, not as men,” added Ramon.
    “Do you guys mind if we walk while we’re talking?” I said, heading off into the jungle.
    “What’s your rush?” asked Miguel. “It’s raining at the far end of the island too.”
    “Yeah, but that’s a lot farther from the House of Agony than we are now,” I pointed out.
    “True,” he agreed. “On the other hand, it’s a lot closer to the House of Pain.”
    I came to a stop. “Has Doctor Mirbeau got any other houses I should know about?”
    “No,” said Felicity. “But he has five others you probably shouldn’t know about.”
    “If I ever get off this here island,” I vowed to nobody in particular, “the very first thing I’m going to do is never think about it again.”
    “You will never leave the island,” said Ramon. “I am surprised he didn’t tell you that.”
    “Well, he did kind of hint at it,” I allowed. “But I was hoping he said it with a kindly twinkle in his eye.”
    “That was a cataract, and there’s nothing kindly about it,” said Miguel. “You’re stuck here.”
    “I’ve run through thirty-four countries looking for the right spot to build the Tabernacle of Saint Luke,” I said. “Who’d have thunk I’d wind up having to build it here, with nothing in my flock except a bunch of godless animals?”
    “I resent that!” said Felicity.
    “The godless part or the animal part?” I asked.
    “Both!”
    “Then I apologize,” I said. “I sure don’t want no god-fearing five-ton lady mad at me.”
    “Leave my weight out of this!” she snapped.
    “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, ma’am,” I told her. “I ain’t never seen a ten-thousand-pounder, human or otherwise, what was so feminine and delicate-looking and light on her feet.”
    She made a sound that was a cross between a tuba hitting M over high C and a trolly car skidding downhill on some rusty tracks.
    “Now see what you’ve done?” said Miguel. “She’s crying!”
    Her body was wracked by sobs, which made it pretty hazardous for anyone standing in her immediately vicinity, like especially me, so I spoke up and said, “I don’t want to be presumptuous, Miss Felicity, ma’am, but if you’re that unhappy about being an elephant, why not just have Doctor Mirbeau change you back into the charming lady bank-robber or mad bomber you were to begin with?”
    Felicity began crying even harder and louder.
    “You simply do not understand our situation,” said Ramon.
    “Sure I do,” I said. “You’re a bunch of worthless lawbreaking scum, meaning no offense, what probably committed a passel of crimes against the laws of Man and God, and came here to avoid the just and righteous punishment of an outraged citizenry.” Ramon snarled, and Miguel glared at me and began pawing the damp ground, but I held up a hand. “This is your lucky day,” I said. “Your troubles are solved. I just happen to be in the salvation business. And as an introductory offer, I’ll forgive any five heinous sins for the price of four.”
    “Our biggest sin is stupidity,” sniffled Felicity.
    “I absolve you!” I said. “That’ll be $1.83 in cash.”
    “Do you see pockets on any of us?” said Miguel.
    “Okay, we’ll put it on the cuff,” I said. “Just be sure you pay me before you leave the island or I may have to tell God to strike you dead, and He’s such a busy critter that I really