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out, sooner or later, that your new, consistent behavior has something to do with the big chip of attitude he’s carrying on his shoulder.
    In the meantime, take a look at your own attitude. Is your attitude escaping, even when your words are pleasant? It’s kind of like what a wife might say to her husband: “Oh, honey, you can go ahead and play golf, and I’ll stay here with your mother .” The words might be pleasant on the surface, but what’s the attitude behind them? Translation: “I hope you have a stinking, rotten time. How dare you leave me with your mother! You’re a chump! And I hope you lose your 9 iron!”
    Your attitude has everything to do with how you live your life. It has everything to do with how you behave. And it has everything to do with the character you develop.
    How loudly is your attitude speaking?
    It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Act . . . or Is It?
    You’ve seen it. You’ve experienced it in your own home. Hitting. Spitting. Interruptions when you’re on the phone. Sibling rivalry. Punching holes in walls. Stomping out of the room. Slamming doors. Screaming. Bed-wetting. Fights in the car. Fights regarding curfew. Fights over messy rooms. Purposeful disobedience. Put-downs. Struggles over getting up on time for school. Struggles over eating. Kids who don’t stay in bed but pop out like the Energizer Bunny. Carelessness with money. Lying. Not completing a project.
    Did you know that behavior is learned? And that children will model their behavior after the things they see you say and do?
    Think how many times you’ve said, “I’m never going to do what my father did to me. I’ll never speak to my kids the way my mother did to me.” Then you find yourself using the same words and the same inflection your parents did.
    Think about that little “white lie” you told your boss: “I’m not feeling very well today. I think I need a day to rest.” And then you took the kids to the beach.
    Or what about the time you promised your children that you’d take them out for ice cream . . . then you got busy with work and didn’t get home until they were already in bed?
    That’s what I mean. Your attitude can’t help but slip out through your behavior, and children are always watching. That means if you want to see your child change, you have to change yourself. If you yell when you get angry, should it surprise you when your 7-year-old does it? If you give others the silent treatment, should it surprise you if your 13-year-old isn’t talking? Do you break your promises? If so, you need to start honoring your promises—or not making them in the first place. My personal view is that you should never promise your children anything. Promising them is saying that (1) your car will never break down, (2) every day will go exactly as you’ve planned it, (3) you are perfect, and (4) it won’t rain.
    Misbehavior is going to happen. Kids are kids. Just accept the fact that they will say and do the dumbest and most embarrassing things you can imagine. I’ll never forget what our pediatrician told us when we had Holly, our firstborn. “You have to safety-proof your house because kids are really dumb when it comes to putting things in their mouths.” Kids will pull a dog’s tail and get bit, they’ll play in electrical outlets, they’ll run into the street, they’ll stick a finger in their sister’s eye, they’ll barf all over the place when they get sick—just as you’re getting ready for a big evening.
    The problem comes when we, as parents, ask for the behavior. We expect it. What happens just before you walk into a public place? Let’s say you’re going to the grocery store. What do you say to the kids? “Remember, no fighting. Keep your hands to yourself. And if you don’t, there won’t be any treats for you. Mom just needs to get a couple things, then we’ll go home.”

    What are you saying? “Kids, I expect you to misbehave, and you better not.” You’re actually