Hardboiled & Hard Luck Read Online Free PDF Page B

Japanese-style teahouse at the top of the mountain, went out to the overlook and stared at the colorful mountains, then went and soaked in a hot spring.
    Yes, it was autumn then.
    From where we sat in the bath, we had a splendid view of the autumn leaves: foliage brilliant enough to drive you crazy—a kaleidoscope of different reds and yellows. Each time there was a breeze, the leaves danced as if a storm had blown up. We sat for ages in that open-air bath, but the loneliness never went away.
    The loneliness of passing time. The loneliness of the fork in the road.
    “I wonder why we feel so lonely? It’s odd, isn’t it?”
    We kept repeating such phrases, as it it were someone else’s problem.
    “Yeah, we’ll just be living in different places. What’s up with us?”
    I felt so bad I envied everyone around us, because they all seemed to be having such fun. All the people who came to soak in the water: the old women, the small children, their mothers. People whose bodies had been molded by the things they did each day, in their ordinary lives. Even after they had all left and new people started coming in, one after another, we stayed there, soaking in the bath. The sky was very high.
    “We were inside so much, you know,” said Chizuru, “and there was so much fog, and the weather wasn’t very nice—it’s like a dream, being in such a lovely place.”
    “Your mind feels sharper, doesn’t it? When the sky is clear like this.”
    Then, in the car on the way back, Chizuru said:
    “I’ll get out here.”
    I tried and tried to convince her not to leave, but she insisted. The atmosphere in the car grew heavier and heavier, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore, and I let her go. It was almost as if a spell had been cast over me.
    When I got back to Chizuru’s apartment, alone this time, it hit me. How could you do something like that? But no matter how I looked at it, she had been serious. I decided the only thing I could do now was get out, not wait in the apartment for her to return, so that she wouldn’t have to be there when I left. So I packed and cleaned until no trace remained of my existence. I left all the things we had shared. I thought about my life—a life that necessitated two speedy moves in such a short period. And I thought about Chizuru. As fond as I was of her, I wasn’t confident that I could love her enough to stay with her, to go on filling the dark, lonely space she carried within her. I knew that someday I would fall in love with a man, and what I would do to her then would be even worse. So I didn’t call her.
    Then, a month later, once life in the new apartment had finally begun running smoothly on its tracks, I realized that I really did need her as a friend. I made up my mind to go see her at last, and gave her a call.
    “Hey, how are you doing?”
    Chizuru sounded just the same as always when she answered the phone.
    There, in that apartment.
    “Sorry I’ve had the car all this time. Did you get home all right?”
    “Yeah, I was fine—we hadn’t gone very far. I stayed two nights after you left, and I was able to hitchhike back right away.”
    “That’s good.”
    My eyes filled with tears.
    “I mean, I’m the one who told you to leave me there, right?” said Chizuru, her voice very gentle. “I really did want to stay on, just a little longer—there in the middle of all that nature, that autumn scenery. I wanted to sort out my emotions. I’m the one who made you do it, so I’m not mad at you, not at all. I just couldn’t bear to be there when you left.”
    “I understood how you felt,” I said, “but I should have taken you to the station, at least.”
    “No, it’s OK. It’s awkward, isn’t it? Saying goodbye at a station.”
    “Yeah, I guess so.”
    “You know, I had a lot of fun. Living with you, I mean. I never thought I’d be able to live with another person.”
    “Same here.”
    “I think you’re a really lucky person. I can tell you’re going to