Gratitude & Kindness Read Online Free PDF

in place. Children take when parents give.
    It is what they do. When parents’ giving has inadequate checks and balances, their kids become takers. It is not the fault of our children.
    As resources become more plentiful, and our needs are met more easily, entitlement is becoming more common among children, teens and –yes–adults. When parents bend over backwards to keep their children in the latest clothes, shoes, electronics, and comforts…
to give them “what we never had”
to make them happy
to fit in with their friends
“because we can afford it”
    …or any other reason that leads to the kids’ taking being out of proportion to what they give, life’s checks and balances are not even.
This leads to entitlement.
    Giving to, or making life easier for, our children is great. However, we cause damage when we do either to such an extent that our children expect and demand from us, or others. If a child or youth becomes entitled, it can make their entire life difficult. Once they begin to assume that they deserve advantages, they become easily disappointed, angry, feel hurt and frequently are resentful.
    When they reach adulthood and have to struggle because life does not deliver them easy advantages, this is when that childhood entitlement will really work against them.
    Notes from the Real Parenting Lab
on Misguided Efforts
    A couple that used to consult with us—the Smiths—had two teenage girls and a young son, about five-years-old. The couple was not financially secure, but they both had good jobs. They tended to prioritize their teens’ unnecessary purchases because they felt guilty and inadequate if they said “no” due to financial strain, so they would overcompensate and say “yes” instead.
    One daughter would say, “I would have more friends and be more popular if I could go to the party—I only need $80.” The other would say, “I’m depressed. I really want that new pair of boots we saw at the shop, Mom.” This kind of thing was going on constantly in their household—the unwelcome face of entitlement.
    Nearly every time, the couple would accommodate the children. When they were younger, there were so many things they wanted that their own parents could not afford. That was the reason they worked so hard now. But this accommodation was also the very reason why their children were becoming so self-focused and demanding.
    The parents shared the following incident, “My daughter came home from school reporting that she had to stay in at recess because the teacher said she got out of her seat too many times. She said that the teacher was mean and punished her with no warning. I have to go down there and give that teacher a ‘piece of my mind.’ My daughter always follows the rules.”
We do encourage parents to hear their children and to support them when they need help. But in this example, we coached the parent to help the child to identify her own role in what happened first, so she could take responsibility for her part in the situation. Shielding children from the consequences of their actions further perpetuates the internalized view that the world revolves around ME.
    What Is A Misguided Effort?
    A misguided effort, as we refer to in our psychology practice, refers to well-intentioned actions or statements to our children that backfire and end up with crummy results. A misguided effort in terms of entitlement, is an attempt to make your child’s life easier, or better, by:
Allowing them to do or have things just because you were not allowed to when growing up.
Making up for real or perceived shortcomings (your divorce, working overtime, their bad week with friends, being ill, etc.).
Giving them special advantages to reduce their stress or sadness. This, in many circumstances, is the right thing to do, but not if their sadness sprouts from their sense of entitlement, and most especially if giving to them is not warranted because:
Their attitude is unwelcoming, unfriendly,