Going Under Read Online Free PDF Page B

heavy in my mouth. He wasn’t
nice enough. He wasn’t nice at all, and I knew it.
    ***
    Make him pay .
    That much was settled. I’d make him pay. I
just didn’t know if I’d do it by taking a baseball bat to his
balls, putting a 9 mm to his head and pulling the trigger, or
something more subversive. The idea came to me in the gym, and I
entertained it now. The idea of letting him have me. Seduce him
without him knowing, give him the perfect opportunity to take
advantage of me, then make him pay for it afterwards. Could I
actually go through with it, though? Could I give up my body as a
sacrifice to seek vengeance? Was I strong enough? Crazy enough?
    I could never do it if I was a virgin, but I
wasn’t a virgin. Not that it makes being raped any less painful or
traumatic. Still, I thought that having my virginity out of the way
made it less life-shattering. And would it really be rape, anyway,
if I lured him into doing it?
    I’d never been sexually assaulted, had
absolutely no idea how that affected a woman, and felt a little
ashamed for thinking that I could handle it. Like I had a clue
about the reality. My arrogance knew no bounds, and I convinced
myself that the emotional impact would be miniscule because I was
strong enough to handle it. Honestly, though. Could I really
testify in court, go through all of that, without the certainty of
getting him behind bars? Could I risk being thrust into the public
eye? Not every state protected the identities of rape victims once
they came forward. Did North Carolina? I’d have to research it.
    My God. My mind was spinning, entertaining
grand ideas of revenge. I wanted this for Beth. I wanted this for
me. Perhaps it would bury my guilt and grief for good. I considered
the type of guy Cal was. What if he’d raped other girls? Was it my
duty to seek revenge? I felt in that resolute moment that I had no
other choice, that my entire existence was defined by this crazy
plan. There’s something really messed up about you, Brooke, I heard myself saying. Maybe. But it felt right. I hadn’t felt
right about anything in a long time.
    I lay on my bed, my brain flooded with
question after question. It was working overtime, and I couldn’t
keep up with it. Maybe I was just going crazy. Maybe I would wake
up tomorrow and scratch the whole plan. But who was I kidding? The
anger I felt in the gym when I stood before that predator was too
real, too powerful and right to ignore. There’s anger, and then
there’s righteous anger. I felt the righteous anger, and I knew I
had to act on it. I would purify my heart by becoming impure.
    I fell asleep knowing old events would
resurface, creep into the forefront of my mind from my
subconscious, make me relive the pain all over again to solidify my
decision. I would wake up determined because I had no choice. And
if I fought it, the dreams would continue to haunt me until I
surrendered to my fate.
    “ You have to tell me what’s wrong,” I
pleaded.
    Beth sobbed into her hands, rocking back and
forth like someone on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t
want her to have a breakdown. I didn’t know what to do if she
did.
    “ Beth, please,” I urged, wrapping my arm
around her and drawing her into me. She rested her head on my
shoulder.
    “ He raped me,” she whispered.
    I immediately thought of Finn, and my heart
sank. It couldn’t be Finn. Finn would never do such a thing. I
couldn’t believe it, wouldn’t believe it, because I was sleeping
with him. I was head-over-heels for him.
    “ Who?” I croaked. My pulse sped up as I
clutched my best friend.
    “ You don’t know him,” Beth answered. “He
goes to my school. His name is Cal.”
    I pulled away and took Beth’s hands. “Beth,
you need to tell me what happened.”
    Beth shook with a fresh wave of sobs as she
nodded reluctantly.
    “ I went to a party. That party I told you
about,” she began.
    I cringed. It was the party I didn’t attend.
She wanted me to, but I made up